All-Purpose brand safety tape announced at a press conference Tuesday that the company would soon be unveiling their first new tape color for the first time in decades: “Run Recklessly Green.” All Purpose is known for their other … Read More
Jessica Perkins, age 3, was taken into custody last week after what authorities call a “malicious and unprovoked attack” that left Thor, the Jervis family’s pet dog, in critical condition. Thor, a six year old Rottweiler … Read More
I had always considered myself an ethical human being, the sort that when faced with a dilemma would find the most responsible solution to the problem. However, not until April 11, 2002, did I discover the errors of my ways… Read More
At 2:07 PM Monday UC Berkeley junior Michael Ortega was assaulted and summarily digested by a 20-foot starfish.
Ortega was walking across Memorial Glade from the Bechtel Engineering center to meet friends at the Free Speech Movement Cafe when … Read More
Posting massive losses for the current financial quarter, Procter & Gamble has laid out cost-cutting plans for the coming year, including a retooled Secret Anti-Perspirant line promising no more than “the exact amount of … Read More
Waking up in the morning to the sturm und drang of my own testicular power, I’m invigorated by a sense of belonging, the joy of being a part of a group. But not an ordinary group of friends with … Read More
Heuristic Squelch: Hello, Britney Spears.
Britney Spears: Hello, Squelch interviewer man.
HS: What would you like to talk about today?
BS: Well, I guess the main thing I’d like to talk about is how much I’d … Read More
During a recent press conference, UC Police Chief Victoria Harrison commented on a new policy the department plans on implementing next month. UC police officers predict that the controversial new plan will give them the “upper hand” … Read More
America’s homosexual community is still in the process of collectively creaming its pants following the release of the film Kissing Jessica Stein which chronicles the painfully obvious story of a successful young woman who, fed up with men, learns… Read More
Critics of U.S. foreign aid to Israel had reason to cheer this week as the U.S. withdrew financial support from a state-run factory in Tel Aviv. American diplomats were taking a tour of the facility when they discovered … Read More
