Look, I’m sure you don’t need a whole lot of convincing. We all
know English is the linguistic top dog (not to be confused with the Linguica
Top Dog). But just in case there’s any confusion, here’s … Read More
Bay Area paralegal and nut allergic Nathan Tholom continues to be frustrated by the lack of interest in his idea for a movie centering around nut allergies.
“It would be about this guy, who’s allergic to nuts,” explained Tholom … Read More
Prologue:
The sun was barely peeking over our rugged eastern foothills when I left
this fair state, bound for a land where the lush green countryside collides
with the glimmering ocean and the bourbon flows like wine. That landIt seems safe to say that none of the toke-addled, black-clad, sore-assed clientele of Pat’s Puff Palace are getting high on Jesus. Store owner Patrick Uter’s problem is that they won’t get … Read More
A spate of high-profile news stories related to pants has many wondering if the phenomenon is not indicative of a larger trend. From difficulties coordinating undergarments with fashionable pants to worldwide pants conspiracies to eerie supernatural incidents, pants have dominated… Read More
No matter how much effusive praise gets heaped upon the staff of the Squelch, there remains an contingent of pessimistic naysayers whose critique of our latest issue inevitably consists of a disparaging shrug and the phrase “It’s not as funny … Read More
Levi Strauss & Co., in conjunction with other denim manufacturers, has concocted a diabolical secret network with ultimate long-term goals set on world domination, investigators found Tuesday. The plot, the likes of which the … Read More
So you think you’re pretty chic with your nicely pressed shirt, cyclopto-strapped backpack and Supercut. You’ve got your friends, your style, your “popularity.” But let me let you in on a little secret, my friend: my cell … Read More
When Berkeley sophomore Billy Williams showed up for his 10:15 AM appointment at the Tang Center for “strange fungal growths” on Tuesday, he was shocked to be greeted at the front desk by a young, attractive woman.… Read More
One exclamation point indicates seriousness, excitement, and urgency. Two exclamation points indicate sarcastic seriousness, mock excitement, or an ironic lack of urgency. Use three exclamation points and you’ve reached a level of grammatical hysteria usually reserved for naive children’s letters … Read More
