International Investigation Unearths Denim Underground

Levi Strauss & Co., in conjunction with other denim manufacturers, has concocted a diabolical secret network with ultimate long-term goals set on world domination, investigators found Tuesday. The plot, the likes of which the world has never before seen, calls for the gradual breakdown of resistance through global popularization of blue jeans.

According to authorities, the denim industry has used its international marketing influence to popularize tighter, form-fitting fashions for males, mostly outside the U.S. By promoting and facilitating “testicular asphyxiation,” the denim industry planned to ultimately bring about a mass sterilization epidemic overseas, thus assuring the future prevalence of American seed worldwide.

“The knees of resistance quiver more by the moment! Soon all six useful continents will yield to Straussania, capital of the world,” said Cecil Von Dement, CEO of Wrangler jeans. “Real. Comfortable. Total submission!” he added before twisting a well-waxed handlebar mustache and dramatically fleeing reporters as ominous organ music played.

“I think the idea is that every man will be too emasculated to notice the takeover,” the organist later commented when questioned.

The baggy styles so long popular in the states have allegedly been a conscious move to preserve a strong, fertile population of Americans, whose natural cultural imperialism would eradicate any remnants of other culture after the supply of foreign offspring dwindles.