Bay Area paralegal and nut allergic Nathan Tholom continues to be frustrated by the lack of interest in his idea for a movie centering around nut allergies.
“It would be about this guy, who’s allergic to nuts,” explained Tholom to a group of coworkers during a recent break. “And he’s this insane chemical engineer, and he develops a chemical that kills only nut-bearing plants. So it’s like the nut plants are allergic to it. He sees it as poetic justice.”
The handful of Tholom’s colleagues who didn’t walk away immediately upon realizing he was talking about allergies again began exchanging amused yet troubled glances as the would-be screenwriter continued. “So he embarks on this world-wide crusade to rid the world of all nut-bearing plants. He wants to make them all extinct.”
As if that weren’t a retarded enough premise, Tholom’s friends would later comment, the allergic madman wouldn’t be alone in his crusade. “He’d have this whole group of followers, all allergic to nuts, who follow him like some sort of civil rights leader. There’d be this dramatic moment when he’s giving a speech to a rally of his supporters, and he thrusts like a Snicker’s bar or something in the air and yells, ‘How can we ever be safe in a world where poison is sold as candy on every street corner?’ And then the crowd would cheer and, like, shake spears or something.”
Tholom went on to explain that candy companies would form elite paramilitary groups to oppose the madman’s goal, armed with nut-based weapons like firehoses filled with peanut oil and nut cluster bombs. He then embarked on a detailed account of one planned scene in which pro-nut militants torture an allergic P.O.W. by smearing peanut butter in his nostrils with a Q-Tip.
“Not many people realize this,” Tholom explained, “But people with nut allergies have skin reactions if they even touch peanuts. The insides of the nostrils are really sensitive, so it would burn a lot, and then the vapors would make the guy sick to his stomach and lead to breathing difficulties.” Nathan then interjected a personal anecdote about this one time, when he was in the cafeteria, and he grabbed a handful of what he thought were sugar cookies. They turned out to be peanut butter cookies, and by the time he got back to his table his hand was “on fire.”
Those who had still not returned to work by this point were finally treated to the working title of the cinematic masterpiece, which seemed to make Tholom more giddy than anything he had previously described. The tentative title is In the Nuts.
While the legal administrator seems to have the plot solidly worked out, he says the ending is still “up in the air.”
“I was thinking maybe, I could have him succeed. He would wipe out nuts forever, and be able to eat anything he wants. Only then, he suddenly develops an allergy to eggs, but he really likes chicken, so he can’t make chickens extinct. There’s really a lot of room for irony in this thing.”
Sadly, Tholom has had trouble gaining support for his endeavor. “I’m really glad he’s going to be a lawyer,” commented Connie Jackson, a file clerk in the office where Tholom works. “And I hope he never makes enough money to back that stupid movie.”