My Rejected Sitcom
“My Body and Me”
_Nate is a young man whose life is tragically cut short. Now he’s in heaven hanging out with all his internal organs as they go on a series of crazy, afterlife adventures. Hang on, because this season… Read More
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Drunk Driving: Just Say Yo!
It happens every Saturday night all over America, in towns just like yours. Young people gather to have a few drinks, and those drinks turn into a few too many. Then, tragedy strikes: there’s no decent food around… Read More
If Frat Boys Wrote Fortune Cookies
Love is like a rose; I’ve bought both from immigrants on corners.
There’s a time to be proud and there’s a time to be humble; everybody yaks on their knees.
You will purchase a hookah over the internet and people … Read More
Transformers They Don’t Want You to Know About
Breakout
Transforms from a robot without herpes to a robot with herpes after having unprotected sex with Optimus Prime
Alternate Modes: Robot in free clinic, Robot calling all her old boyfriends
Motto: “But you’re the only one I’ve … Read More
Words From the Top
Dear Squelch
We here at the Squelch are proud to be entering our 16th year on this campus, and we’d like to celebrate by answering our readers’ most commonly asked questions. Unfortunately none of our readers have ever asked… Read More
Guitar Hero Disappointed by Lack of Ass
Local guitar hero Shawn Fallon was disappointed by the lack of women offering to have sex with him after a performance last night. Fallon, who has never played big-people guitar, assumed that his performance in the Guitar Hero … Read More
Really Hot Chick Rejected from Boalt
Upon receiving her rejection letter from the Boalt School of Law, AOPi sister Allison Summer tragically discovered that her “Everything I Need To Know In Life I Learned From Legally Blonde” poster was total fucking bullshit.
“My application… Read More
Democrats Arrive in D.C. Reeling From Month-Long Celebration
In their first day as the majority in both houses of Congress in over a decade, Democratic officials sheepishly stumbled up the steps of Capitol Hill forty-five minutes late for their first appointments, clutching oversized travel mugs … Read More
Rick Santorum?s Job Search Hits a Dead End on Monster.com
Having been defeated in the mid-term election, former Senator Rick Santorum (R-Pennsylvania) slammed his keyboard down in disgust. “Dammit! It’s called monster.com. I thought I’d at least be able to find a job that… Read More
Woman Drowns Virtual Pets
On the night of October 17th, Mary Hensler of Alameda placed her two Tamagotchi alongside her Pokemon Blue game pak in the back seat of her car. With her passengers secured, Hensler placed a brick on the accelerator on… Read More
