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Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 9- Issue 2

Top Ten Signs of the Apocalypse

December 1, 1999
  1. Yoshua fights Jesus; wins in twelve rounds by unanimous decision.


  2. Hebrew text of evil
  3. Communal shower in Soda
  4. Three headed griffon emerges from depths of Dwinelle to wreak God’s holy vengeance on Berkeley
  5. Re-release of Francis Ford Coppola’s Apocalypse Now
  6. The Heuristic Squelch does an Apocalypse-themed issue
  7. No line at financial aid office
  8. Ethnic Studies student finds job
  9. Blue Heaven staying in business; not holding a sale
  10. Cal actually wins Big Game
Volume 9- Issue 2

Top Ten Quantum Mechanical They Might Be Giants Songs

December 1, 1999
  1. Spiraling Schr+A|dinger

  2. Everything Right is Wrong Again because of the Ultraviolet Catastrophe
  3. Your Newtonian Friend
  4. Electron Diffraction Killed My Dog
  5. Number e
  6. She’s Actual Size, But We Can’t Know Her Momentum if We Know That Size
  7. Square Well Potential in Your Soul
  8. The Statue Got Me Heisenberg
  9. Whistling in the Quark
  10. Particle-in-a-Box Man
Volume 9- Issue 1

Volume 9, Issue 1: Quake Issue

September 1, 1999
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Features

Newsflashes

Top Tens

Volume 9- Issue 1

Top Ten Canadian Things

September 1, 1999
  1. Poland
  2. The Canadian Dream
  3. “Bye, bye Miss Canadian Pie”
  4. Guess Who’s hit song “Canadian
    Woman”
  5. War
  6. David Bowie’s “Young Canadian”
  7. Canadian Graffiti
  8. 0.33-meter-long hot dogs
  9. Canadian cheese singles
  10. American bacon
Volume 9- Issue 1

Top Ten Things Said by Romance

September 1, 1999
  1. “No, seriously, what the fuck is
    romance philology?”
  2. “What the fuck is romance
    philology?”
  3. “The new guy’s double majoring
    in something useful. Kill him.”
  4. “Some of us don’t need to earn
    money after college, Mr. Bourgeois
    Oppressor.”
  5. “Some guys are just in it for the
    romance. Me, I’m in it for the
    philology.”
  6. “Fuck da man!”
  7. “Mass Comm–Now that’s a
    laughable major.”
  8. “You study modernist philology?
    Pussy!”
  9. “If you’re looking for anonymity,
    you’ve come to the right place,
    Mr. Cash.”
  10. “No, not philosophy: philology.
    Philology. Phil-ol-lo-gy.”
Volume 9- Issue 1

Top Ten Things Overheard At The Morgue

September 1, 1999
  1. “That’s not rigor mortis!”
  2. “We’ve secretly replaced the embalming fluid with Folger’s Crystals… let’s watch.”
  3. “You’re right – it does taste just like chicken!”
  4. “Where does this piece go?”
  5. “Well, if she hadn’t died, she’d be 18 by now…”
  6. “I came all the way to Berkeley for this funeral, and all I got was a lousy ethnic studies degree
  7. “Where’d my watch go?”
  8. “Do we have to eat this raw.”
  9. “Let’s put the ‘fun’ back in ‘funeral.'”
  10. “I see dead people.”