Man Survives Ordeal Inside Giant Vagina

A Berkeley resident is currently recovering from a terrifying experience involving his girlfriend’s enormous genitalia. Hank Moonves, a local computer programmer, described his adventure to reporters earlier this week:

“My girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time,” he explained. “But when she got undressed I was amazed by the sheer girth of her vagina. I cried out, ‘Good God, woman! You could trap a bear with that thing! What do you douche with, a fire hydrant? I bet you never need to worry about finding a parking space.’ I was ready to get dressed and get the hell out of there, but she came running at me and I became hypnotized by her huge flapping labia. Before I knew it I just tumbled right in.”

When the victim’s girlfriend, who wisely requested that her name be withheld, noticed that her lover was missing, she immediately rushed to the hospital where an ad hoc spelunking team embarked on a daring rescue mission to retrieve Moonves.

“That was some funky fucked up shit,” said German Bebonibus, leader of the spelunking team. “I mean, damn. That was just some fucked up funky ass shit.”

Always the optimist, Moonves says being trapped inside a woman’s nether regions was an enlightening experience. “Funny thing about being inside a giant vagina,” he told reporters. “It sounds like a great idea until you actually do it. Then it doesn’t seem like such a great idea. It actually turns out to be a pretty bad idea. Boy, if I could describe the smell in there. Kee-ripes.” Moonves has also announced that he plans to break up with his girlfriend unless she does something about the “yawning chasm of terror between her legs.”