Latest Issue
Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 9- Issue 1

Top Ten Things You Wonder About Your Roommate

September 1, 1999
  1. Why is his hand still on my cock?
  2. Why does he get a football scholarship if the team’s just going to get its ass kicked anyway?
  3. If the Chinese are so good at laundry, how come his clothes are always so wrinkled?
  4. Why is his hand on my cock?
  5. If I can make it look like an accident, can I get a 4.0?
  6. How can he tell new Diet Dr. Pepper from regular Dr. Pepper?
  7. Is he/she really a she/he?
  8. What did he have to do to get that Members Only jacket?
  9. How does he cram all that graham?
  10. If I throw him down the trash chute, and there’s no one there to hear it, will it make a sound?
Volume 9- Issue 1

Top Ten Things to Put Time Capsule

September 1, 1999
  1. Dignity
  2. The monolith from 2001
  3. A surprise party
  4. A cat, a radioactive isotope, triggering device, and poison
  5. Carton of milk
  6. Wolf bait
  7. Safeway club card
  8. The “monium” list
  9. A Fabuloso burrito
  10. A giant, steaming turd
Volume 9- Issue 1

Top Ten Things to Do at Berkeley Hot Tubs

September 1, 1999
  1. Make thousands of gremlins
  2. Massage Shirley Dean’s big
    greasy bologna tits
  3. Make enormous amounts of
    Ramen
  4. Sit on the drain and get your ass
    sucked out of your ass
  5. Have high-power Japanese
    business meetings
  6. Wear floaties
  7. Burn your nut sack
  8. Relax your cremaster muscle
  9. Spread disease
  10. Pee
Volume 9- Issue 1

Top Ten Canadian Things

September 1, 1999
  1. Poland
  2. The Canadian Dream
  3. “Bye, bye Miss Canadian Pie”
  4. Guess Who’s hit song “Canadian
    Woman”
  5. War
  6. David Bowie’s “Young Canadian”
  7. Canadian Graffiti
  8. 0.33-meter-long hot dogs
  9. Canadian cheese singles
  10. American bacon
Volume 9- Issue 1

Top Ten Things Said by Romance

September 1, 1999
  1. “No, seriously, what the fuck is
    romance philology?”
  2. “What the fuck is romance
    philology?”
  3. “The new guy’s double majoring
    in something useful. Kill him.”
  4. “Some of us don’t need to earn
    money after college, Mr. Bourgeois
    Oppressor.”
  5. “Some guys are just in it for the
    romance. Me, I’m in it for the
    philology.”
  6. “Fuck da man!”
  7. “Mass Comm–Now that’s a
    laughable major.”
  8. “You study modernist philology?
    Pussy!”
  9. “If you’re looking for anonymity,
    you’ve come to the right place,
    Mr. Cash.”
  10. “No, not philosophy: philology.
    Philology. Phil-ol-lo-gy.”
Volume 9- Issue 1

Top Ten Things Overheard At The Morgue

September 1, 1999
  1. “That’s not rigor mortis!”
  2. “We’ve secretly replaced the embalming fluid with Folger’s Crystals… let’s watch.”
  3. “You’re right – it does taste just like chicken!”
  4. “Where does this piece go?”
  5. “Well, if she hadn’t died, she’d be 18 by now…”
  6. “I came all the way to Berkeley for this funeral, and all I got was a lousy ethnic studies degree
  7. “Where’d my watch go?”
  8. “Do we have to eat this raw.”
  9. “Let’s put the ‘fun’ back in ‘funeral.'”
  10. “I see dead people.”