Words from the Top

Forced Family Fun, MPAA Style

In the latest attempt to distract the American public from the fundamental problems of society through scapegoats and mean words, our buddies in Congress have pressured movie theaters all across the country into carding for R-rated movies. While it may seem absurd that we now live in a country where it’s easier for a fifteen-year-old to buy marijuana than see a movie that has boobies in it, this latest civil rights infringement will actually benefit our side of the globe in many tangible ways.

First and foremost, the economy will improve. Previously, the fake ID industry depended almost entirely on the purchase of alcohol, a pastime which, contrary to what the American Family Association might tell you, is of surprisingly low interest to most high school students. But everyone wants to see R-rated movies. Thus any devious miscreant with a cheap laminating machine and basic knowledge of graphics software will be able to sell fake IDs to the millions of hapless teenagers who just want to see the latest installment of The Crow. Furthermore, we can count on thousands of minimum wage-earning movie ushers to go on the take to sneak underagers in. Where will all this new disposable income go? Right back into the economy! The economy is our friend.

In addition to the undeniable fiscal benefits, this new policy promises to bring families closer together by forcing teenagers to spend quality time with their parents. It’s only a matter of time before the phrase “Mom? Will you take me to see the new booby movie this weekend?” becomes as common in American households as “What’s for dinner?” and “Daddy, please take your cock out of my ass. I’m tired.” That’s bonding, people, and that’s what makes this country great.

Finally, our dear, dear friends in the entertainment industry will reap no end of monetary rewards as reverse psychology backfires in theaters nationwide. We all know that telling someone not to do something is the best way to get them to do it. (Don’t think so? Try saying this to that special person who won’t give you the time of day: “Whatever you do, don’t perform oral sex on me. I repeat, you are forbidden to perform oral sex on me. No oral sex for you. I mean no oral sex for me. From you.”) Erecting this new barrier to scandalous sex, violence, and pottymouthdom will only make our Ritalin-snorting high schoolers crave it that much more. Fake ID makers will have waiting lists miles long and kids will beg their parents to spend loving evenings with them. That’s just more money and bondage. Bonding, that is, and that’s what makes America great. (Those two things, not the one thing that I said before. Well, yeah, that one thing, but this other thing too).

Of course, if this new plan fails to improve the economy, bring families closer together, and stop school violence, we can count on our honkey-ass legislators to do the right thing and…impose even stronger restrictions! The idea that if something doesn’t work, do it more and more until it does is perhaps the only truly useful thing we take away from our awkward teen years (e.g. Will you go out with me? No. Please? No. Please? No. Pleeeeeeease?). In America, we don’t learn from our mistakes. And that, good people, is what makes this country great. That and our extensive collection of deadly weapons and foreign sweatshops and drug-addicted teenage parents.