Greeks Service the Community

In an effort to curb the use of guns in violent crimes, Bay Area officials reimplemented the highly successful Toys for Guns” program this week with a slightly different theme. The new program, dubbed “Ass for Guns”, will exchange thirty minutes with “a high-class hooker” for every working firearm turned in. Gun owners are only eligible if they can sign a form stating that they “had intended to shoot someone in the next two months.” So far the program has been so successful that no one has been shot for the entire week, breaking a 179-year-old Bay Area record.

“Ass for Guns” comes in the wake of a line of failed variations on the “Toys for Guns” theme, including “Fruit for Guns,” “Smog Check for Guns,” and the disastrous “Heroin for Guns,” which is still under federal investigation. The “Ass for Guns” theme was suggested by a local sorority whose members were interested in performing community service.

Gun owners who are interested in taking part in the program are requested to get in the line trailing outside the Alpha Delta Pi sorority house near the UC Berkeley campus. Said an “Ass for Guns” spokesman, “It’s first served, first come.”