The Diary of a Diety

(Selected Excerpts)

Day 0: I need something to write about. I should probably get around to creating that universe that I’ve been planning. On second thought, that sounds like a lot of work. Maybe I’ll do it tomorrow.

Day 1: Went sweeping over the waters today. Made light. That’s about it. Nothing special.

Day 6: Having just created man, I now know what mistakes to avoid while creating woman. For one thing, she can’t just be able to reach down and gratify herself all day long like Adam does. I think I’ll design her genitalia in such a way as to prevent her from achieving orgasm for as long as possible.

Day 8: Enough creating for one eternity. Took the seventh day off. I decided that writing in my journal is work and I won’t work on the Sabbath. Unfortunately, I also considered feeding the dinosaurs work, and they all died on me. I gave them a proper burial under several strata of rock. I’ll miss those little guys.

Day 10: Lucifer got a second nose ring today. I’m hoping this little rebellious phase of his will pass.

Day 11: We had an argument. Some things were said that we both regret. There was some fighting. I had Michael cast him and his hoodlum friends down into Hell’s Lake of Fire for all eternity…or until he finally gets over himself and matures a little.

Day 18: Mike and Gabriel’s hilarious slapstick routine has convinced me it would greatly increase the light-hearted enjoyment of the human experience to allow bad things to happen to good people, totally at random. I hope they get as big a kick out of it as I do.

Day 100: Looks like that whole “free will” thing was a bit of a SNAFU. My bad.

Year 272: I chose some people today. I call them “the Chosen People,” and they’re gonna face all kinds of shit for the next 7,000 years. But at least they get Matzah-Brie. I can’t believe they’re really going along with this circumcision thing. Ho, boy. It’s good to be God.

1016: Today I delivered my ten guidelines for happy living to the prophet Schlomo, and he laughed at them. So I smote him. Maybe the next guy will take them more seriously if I call them “Commandments.”

1050: First week on the market and my book’s already a best seller. In your face, Gilgamesh!

3749 (8 months BC): Bad news…The test came back positive. I’m not ready to be a father…I think I’m gonna be sick.

AD 29: Pretty slick, mankind. I love you so much that I give you my only son, and you pinheads go and nail him to a cross. See if I do you any more favors. I don’t know why I even bother.