Trading Places

What started out as a domestic dispute between intimates dragged particle physicists and the gay community into a bitter feud when the bottom quark announced that it wanted to become a top.

“I’m just sick of it,” the bottom quark told shocked reporters at a standing-room-only press conference. “He tells me what to cook, what movie we’re going to, what position to lay in…the bitch is driving me crazy! Every relationship is about give and take, but I’m the one always taking his gluons! The strong nuclear force just isn’t that strong. I want out of the relationship!”

Many homosexuals have expressed sympathy for the bottom quark’s situation, but physicists worldwide are seeking a less drastic resolution to the quarks’ recent difficulties. “Just because someone is unhappy doesn’t mean that person should make a decision which will result in the destruction of all matter in the Universe,” said noted physicist David Weiss. “And let’s not mince words, here. That is what we’re discussing. Ignoring one of the four fundamental forces flies in the face of everything our community stands for.”

Other physicists were dismayed at the hard-line being pursued by their colleagues. Theoretician Neal A. Miha told reporters, “While I would certainly never be on the receiving end of a quantum of virtual gluons, every man has had a time in his life when he has felt a magnetic moment towards a quark of the same charge. We simply must learn to respect the fact that some particles have left-handed spin, and some spin counterclockwise.”