Eat the Mean

The idea that some people have an inalienable right to eat other people is as old as the idea that you can lie as much as you want to small children. Cannibalism, also called anthropophagy by old, balding, white men with small offices in old buildings, was very popular on most continents until very recently. This tradition has been traced back by anthropologists to about the time humans acquired teeth, and just after they acquired sarcasm.

There are only four good reasons for eating someone. These are: (1) you defeated them in battle and want to eat them; (2) you lost to them in battle and want to eat them; (3) they forgot to water your lawn while you were on vacation; and (4) they overwatered your lawn while you were on vacation. Necessity, as in the case of the Donner Party, is not a good reason. It is not a good reason in the same way that desperation is not a good reason to sleep with someone. Eating someone because you need to is considered poor form by experts.

Eating people because they are different has been promoted by different thinkers in various eras, and such catchy slogans as “Eat the Poor!” and “Eat the Rich!” certainly ring true. It is interesting to note, however, that no one has ever suggested we pick out a particular ethnic group to consume. Thus, we never encounter slogans like “Chow on the Chinese!”, or “Chew the Jews!”, or even “Fricassee the Portuguese!” despite their intrinsic truth and the fact that they make use of alliteration and rhyming.

But I have not come here to talk about cannibalism. No, my real purpose is to talk about the cruel use of animals in scientific experimentation. Now everyone pretty much agrees that doing what “researchers” in “laboratories” do to animals is pretty gross, so I am not going to belabor that point. The real issue is whether the benefits of animal experimentation to mankind make up for the unfortunate conditions these would-be Bambies and Thumpers are subjected to.

But worry not, fellow Americans; I have a solution to this problem. As we speak, I am assembling a petition to put a proposition on the state ballot which will replace the three-strikes legislation we have in place with a new “Three Strikes and You’re Meat” law. The gist of the law is that mean people get to be used in scientific experimentation, and then eaten. Now, don’t start worrying that your Aunt Bessie will get shipped to a meat factory because she gets ornery when she hasn’t had her wheat germ. What I mean by “mean people” is not just people with abrasive personalities, like Hugh Downs, but really, truly, blatantly mean people, like Barbara Walters. Nor would one-time meanness offenders like O.J. Simpson be automatically basted with acid to test the maximum human screaming intensity. Rather, this would be a way to say to hardened criminals with a consistent history of meanness, “Hey, we’ve had enough of your attitude, so we’re going to pull your skin off and see if you can swim any better.” And after the experiments, provided the offending flesh isn’t too heavily irradiated or otherwise undesirable, the carcass can be carted off to the nearest rendering plant and recycled into delicious “Mean Chow.” This policy will eliminate the mean person, feed a hungry person, and restore the vital role of cannibalism in modern society. It’s a win-win-win situation.