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Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 10- Issue 7

Top Ten Benefits of Buying a College Yearbook

May 1, 2001
  1. Draw mustaches on professors without hurting your grade
  2. Have record of Tuesday Night Drinking Club (TNDC) for posterity
  3. Weighty tome keeps coffee table from blowing away
  4. After college, you can ask pictures “So what’s your major?” and receive answers from captions
  5. You can check off girl(s) you’ve dated
  6. College-level sappy writing instead of high-school-level sappy writing
  7. Your freshman, sophomore, and junior years weren’t that good anyway
  8. Something to sign at reunion, if you’ve received it by then
  9. Suede-like velveteen cover (1998 edition only)
  10. No longer need to leave your house to look at people you don’t know
Volume 10- Issue 7

Top Ten Inappropriate Memorials

May 1, 2001
  1. Mark Paul Gosselar eternal monologue to camera
  2. A giant trophy case for Tom Holmoe after we kill him
  3. Vietnam War Boring Wall of Names
  4. Ethnic studies eternal cop car flame
  5. Quake III Klebold/Harris Edition
  6. The Airwolf Sanctuary
  7. Washington Monument
  8. Religion based on cross symbolic for Christ
  9. Steve Allen Marble Pillar of Comedy
  10. Any and all grief surrounding Jerry Garcia
Volume 10- Issue 7

Top Ten Ways to Act Like You’re Working in a Pizza Factory

May 1, 2001
  1. Keep one Netscape browser window open to Pizza.org while writing personal emails
  2. Lie down in giant vat of pizza sauce and make pizza angels
  3. Order pizza!
  4. Repeat in loud voice, “I sure am making a lot of pizzas!”
  5. Ride around in forklift
  6. Frantically load backed-up pizzas from pizza conveyor belt
  7. Slide giant pizza paddle around in oven, then take out
  8. Turn pizza-making machines on and off
  9. Throw dough in air for no apparent reason
  10. Make pizzas
Volume 10- Issue 7

Top Ten Vegetarian Musicals

May 1, 2001
  1. Rentcumber
  2. Jesus Christ Did You Try the Vegetable Dip?
  3. A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, to Buy Cabbage
  4. The Sound of Mueslix
  5. Banannie Get Your Gun
  6. Oliver! Oil
  7. Bring in the Soy, Bring in the Funk
  8. The Pine Nuts of Penzance
  9. West Side Salad
  10. Okrahoma
Volume 10- Issue 7

Top Ten Formulaic Top Ten Entries

May 1, 2001
  1. The one about Hoku Jeffrey/Lauren Bausch
  2. The really long, rambling one
  3. The one that references an earlier entry
  4. The one that’s not a joke
  5. The timely reference to campus news
  6. The shamelessly unfunny coding/physics joke
  7. The self-deprecating one
  8. The one that takes the premise literally
  9. The obscure 80’s pop-culture reference
  10. The one about anal sex and/or masturbation
Volume 10- Issue 7

Top Ten Things to Do with 50 Corpses

May 1, 2001
  1. Toss in junk drawer
  2. Take seven and form your own damn octet
  3. Drop out windows
  4. Have join Sigma Phi Epsilon to emphasize how dead the house is
  5. Enroll in hard classes to lower the mean
  6. Line them up, then knock them down like dominos
  7. Sell on road so people can ride in Carpool lane
  8. Put in a paper bag, light on fire, set on neighbor’s doorstep
  9. Stack on the top of Campanile to make it 50 people taller
  10. Film parody of Weekend at Bernie’s, starring one live person and 50 dead guys
Volume 10- Issue 6

Volume 10, Issue 6: Dinosaur Beach Party

April 1, 2001
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Volume 10- Issue 6

Top Ten Hackneyed Movie Taglines

April 1, 2001
  1. A controversial film by Oliver Stone
  2. Where man is the endangered species
  3. Part x. Part y. All x
  4. By the producers of The Air Up There
  5. She?s the best cop in the world, he?s a dinosaur
  6. In the world of the future…
  7. Cum sluts cumming all over each other
  8. A Disney perversion of a classic fairy tale
  9. Starring Tom Hanks
  10. Her first mistake was falling in love