Video Games Blamed for Violent Behavior

A recent study by the McGill company has found yet more damning evidence linking video game violence with the real-life behavior of the people who play them. At the heart of this study, however, was not the often-analyzed alien bloodbaths like Doom, but instead the gratuitous block-on-block violence of the Russian puzzle classic Tetris.

Tetris players often find themselves desensitized to the social and emotional impact of falling blocks. Soon they grow distant, choosing to hole up in their garages, dress in plaid, and idolize block-impact bands like Wham!. Some incorrigibles even go on to careers in construction.

“Oh, yeah, I can’t even tell you how much Tetris I played when I was younger,” said construction worker Gunther Lydon. “I mean, just last week–oh my God! B button, B button, left, left, left! No, right! Damn!”

At this point Lydon dropped a large I-beam on the cab of a nearby bulldozer, trapping a coworker inside.

“God damn it, that could’ve been a tetris. What? Oh, him? Don’t worry. I’ll get him out lickety-split with this super-powerful jaw I’ve developed through years of Pac-Man play.”

Other recent findings of the McGill company include links between Centipede and insect-extermination skill, Super Mario Brothers and a penchant for jumping on turtles, and Jeopardy! (the game) and improved performance on Jeopardy! (the show).