Night Taken Back

After nearly three decades, the anti-rape and domestic violence organization known as Take Back the Night has succeeded in reclaiming the hours between sundown and sunrise.

The transfer occurred after an official delegation from the Internation Brotherhood of Rapists and Wifebeaters, which had controlled the Night ever since the infamous Temporal Custody Treaty of 1917, made a surprise appearance at the annual rally of TBTN’s UC Berkeley chapter. The representatives had all the necessary forms to relinquish control of the timespan, and required only that the forms be signed by the TBTN signatories and properly notarized.

“This is a great step, not only for women, but for everyone who cherishes safety and freedom,” said Take Back the Night member Claudia Holz. “Finally, all this marching and chanting has paid off. The Night is ours once again.”

“Frankly, we’re glad to be rid of it [the Night],” IBRW delegate Chad Sanders told reporters. “It’s dark, gloomy, there’s all kinds of creepy bats and shit flying around. And don’t get me started on the upkeep. We figured, if the women wanted it so bad, hell, they can have it. Who knows, maybe they’ll make it better with some flowers or something.” In related news, an unidentified female Clark Kerr resident was raped in broad daylight in Underhill Parking Lot earlier this week. Upon hearing of this incident, Retain the Night President Joanna Palmquist said, “Fuck.”