A Public Service Announcement

About Dick

Recently I’ve noticed a tendency for the male species to woo the opposite sex with witty personal anecdotes, clean-pressed clothing, and fine bodily fragrances. In all honesty, as a woman, I must clarify the misinterpreted demands of the female sex.

Most men probably expect women to enjoy their company, when in reality our sole consideration is “What can I reasonably foresee in this man’s crotch?” Dating would be so much easier if women could screen men via wallet sized photos of their genitalia, or trading cards with accurate dimensions, stats, and descriptions of the Johnson in question. I’d certainly be willing to trade up to get my hands on a hot new rookie in mint condition. Such policies may seem unreasonable, but the realization months later that a dick is just too small, bent, or–for some–uncircumcised is quite off-putting.

Men will complain that a female’s fellating ability isn’t up to par, or that we tend to fake orgasms. But can you really blame us for these unsatisfying and subtly humiliating sexual habits, considering that we’ve just invested long hours teasing you with playful hair-flips and humoring your clumsy one-liners with overenthusiastic laughter, only to be faced with the reality of a woefully sub-par penis? And to make matters worse, we then have to try to suck your dick without tossing our cookies, acting like you are the best fuck we’ve ever had.

The best advice for you men would be to stop spending all that money to impress us, and to instead spend it on something useful like making your dick less repulsive, and more pleasing to the eye and stomach. If lack of size is your personal insufficiency, the obvious investment in penile enlargement is not unreasonable. For general unsightliness, there are also creative alternatives, such as the “cock sock.” They come in all different styles: tuxedos, long johns, hand knit cock sweaters–hey, the selection is unlimited. Don’t be tempted to simply purchase a larger sized sock and stuff the region that wilts–we’ll just be that much more disappointed when it’s time to pull out the stocking stuffer on Christmas morning.

This brings me to your balls. If you aren’t wowing us with your penis, you sure as hell aren’t with your pubic hair. Millions of acres of the Amazon rainforest are chopped and burned daily, yet the simple task of grooming an unsightly 15 square inches of nappy nuts is much too grueling for the average male. Perhaps grooming can be transformed into an artistic endeavor. Pubes in the shape of a lightning bolt or dragon would impress us, and the trimming could be as enjoyable as pruning a bonsai tree.

For those unsightly skin discolorations or pearly penile papules (PPP), feel free to apply make-up evenly and liberally. A little shadowing here and there will help disguise large protruding veins from excessive masturbation. Just go buck-wild with the make-up; add a smiley face or stripes running lengthwise (It’ll look longer–really!). Just be sure to choose make-up that’s non-toxic and relatively good-tasting. And remember to blend!

In the long run, heeding my advice will make you a better man. Until then, women will have to devise more creative approaches to getting men in crotch-clinging speedos, thus bringing us one step closer to what we really want: honesty, integrity and a strong, healthy, attractive dick.