Haas graduate student Matt Clark, 24, has failed in his recent efforts to find a prostitute with a heart of gold. “I’ve always been a bit of a workaholic, so naturally I thought a streetwise prostitute with an independent spirit … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Gay People Amusing
Local man Ray Conners discovered that gay people are amusing after watching last night’s episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Conners, an open-minded heterosexual man, was allegedly charmed by the five main characters’ sassy dialogue and classy yet … Read More
Kobe Bryant to Donate Ego to Charity
Los Angeles Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant announced Wednesday in a news conference that he will donate part of his gigantic ego to charity.
During the conference, a teary-eyed Bryant said, “I’m one of the greatest basketball players of all time, … Read More
Computer Seduces Owner
Windows Media Player-A
As the glowing oscillations continually replicated the soft curves of feminine essence in a gently perverted light show, Peterson was moved to epiphany. “When that beautiful gorge repeatedly poured out into infinity in front of me, I … Read More
ASUC Illegally Allocates $10 to No-On-53 Campaign
Student government politics were thrown into further turmoil last week when it was revealed that the ASUC earmarked ten dollars in student fees to oppose Proposition 53. The announcement was made by Graduate Assembly President Jessica Zack Quindel.
“We’ve already … Read More
Local Man Starts Stereotypes
Local man Jesse Barone announced his creation of five new stereotypes next week, showcasing his effortless ability to attribute even meaningless characteristics to racial categories.
“I noticed an Indian guy using a power mower, the kind where you sit on … Read More
Pre-Med Inconvenienced by Roommate’s Masturbation
Biomedical Sciences major Phu Loc Tran returned to his room Thursday evening to find the door bolted shut, presumably by his masturbating roommate. “I was just going to grab my books after dinner and get some studying done, but then … Read More
Tang Center Administers Pamphlet
The University of California, Berkeley’s vestigial health office, the Tang Center, once again distributed a pre-packaged pamphlet in lieu of actual medical assistance Monday, sources said. After hastily scheduling an appointment for a severe sore throat, patient Mart Hokmas was … Read More
Co-ed Discovers the Joy of Balls
After a 21-year streak of chastity almost Victorian in its scope and vigor, student Samantha Gilroy recently came face to face with a pair of testicles for the very first time. Her overwhelmingly positive reaction to the event is touching … Read More
Foothill Freshman Boils, Preserves Penis in Mason Jar
Upon arriving at the La Loma Dormitory, 18-year-old Freshman Joseph Whittaker learned the terrible secret of all who would dwell within its walls. Explained his RA, “All freshman males in La Loma and Hillside must preserve their penises in a … Read More
