Student Unable to Answer Prayers

On Monday, Jesus Escalante filed for a change of login name with the Campus Computing Services, citing email harrassment as the reason for the request.

“My email address is jesus@,” said Escalante, a freshman majoring in mechanical engineering. “In the last three weeks, I’ve gotten at least 40 messages from other students, making all kinds of requests. I tried to do some of the stuff, you know, just to be nice. This one girl emailed, asking me to help bring her lost cat home safely. So I put flyers up and stuff, and eventually found the cat and brought it back to her.

“Then, usually about once a week, this other girl would email me about all these dirty thoughts she was having. I mean, this was some seriously inappropriate stuff. She kept asking me to forgive her.” Escalante added that he has made arrangements with the girl to come to her dorm room and discuss these issues in person.

When asked why he is now frustrated with the situation, Escalante replied, “For some of the emails, I just don’t think there is that much that I can do to help. I don’t know anything about slow-working poisons.”

Buddha Jones, 19, reported no problems. “Everyone’s cool, man.”