Foothill Freshman Boils, Preserves Penis in Mason Jar

Upon arriving at the La Loma Dormitory, 18-year-old Freshman Joseph Whittaker learned the terrible secret of all who would dwell within its walls. Explained his RA, “All freshman males in La Loma and Hillside must preserve their penises in a sterile canning jar, as they will not use them at all this next year.”

The rules to which he refers are found in the University Code of Conduct, and state “Due to the predominance of engineers, chemistry majors, and chemical engineers, no persons residing in the Foothill dormitories will be able to engage in sexual activity of any kind. Not even a quick handy.”

The Code of Conduct also states that Foothill women are not to have their genitals altered in any way, as they are already frigid number crunchers who never give it up anyway.