Upon arriving at the La Loma Dormitory, 18-year-old Freshman Joseph Whittaker learned the terrible secret of all who would dwell within its walls. Explained his RA, “All freshman males in La Loma and Hillside must preserve their penises in a … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Student Unable to Answer Prayers
On Monday, Jesus Escalante filed for a change of login name with the Campus Computing Services, citing email harrassment as the reason for the request.
“My email address is jesus@ uclink.berkeley.edu,” said Escalante, a freshman majoring in mechanical engineering. “In … Read More
Study Shows Conservatives to be Pee-Fetishists
Researchers at several universities, two of whom are professors at UC Berkeley, recently published their findings on the curious nature of political conservatives. Among their findings is the conclusion that conservatives, generally speaking, like to be peed on. The study … Read More
Clown Happy; Ironic Postmodernists Confused
Captain Chuckles, a professional clown and children’s entertainer, was found this week to be a happy person, and so far the community of postmodern ironic tragico-absurdist pundits has reacted with utter confusion.
The Newark, New Jersey-area clown was pronounced earlier … Read More
Budget Cuts Force Release of Intelligent Monkeys
Hard hit by budget cuts, Berkeley’s Integrative Biology department announced the imminent release of their “hive” of genetically- enhanced hyper-intelligent monkeys.
“We would’ve loved to protect our adored super-chimps from these cuts, but in a crisis something had to give,” … Read More
Rights Groups Seek to Reclaim Word “Fag”
A coalition of fraternity members, hicks, and fundamentalists have joined forces recently to reclaim the word “fag” from homosexuals, whom they say have twisted it’s meaning in recent years.
“Dude, back in the day, before we got the new porch, … Read More
Protestor Smashes Vase Symbolizing Capitalism
In a violent display of proletariat rage, members of the Berkeley chapter of the radical Socialist group the Spartacus League publicly smashed a floral-themed glass vase yesterday on Market Street in San Francisco. The vase, according to a demonstration leader … Read More
God Due Out with Follow-Up this Fall
After millennia of increasing demand from His growing fan base, God has finally announced that a follow-up to His popular first bestseller, The Bible, will arrive on book-shelves as early as mid-October. Though the author has chosen to keep the … Read More
Study : Prolonged Exposure to Jesse Jackson Harmful
Results of an extensive study conducted by researchers at NYU have confirmed that listening to the Reverend Jesse Jackson makes you dumber. As part of the study, three groups of ten adults (age 18-45) were put in separate isolated rooms … Read More
Only Map to UC Merced Lost
University of California President Richard Atkinson was flummoxed when the only existing map to the new UC Merced campus disappeared from his ’89 Volvo.
“It was right behind the driver’s seat for months,” said Atkinson. “I’ll bet [Chancellor] Bobby [Berdahl] … Read More
