The University of California, Berkeley’s vestigial health office, the Tang Center, once again distributed a pre-packaged pamphlet in lieu of actual medical assistance Monday, sources said. After hastily scheduling an appointment for a severe sore throat, patient Mart Hokmas was … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Co-ed Discovers the Joy of Balls
After a 21-year streak of chastity almost Victorian in its scope and vigor, student Samantha Gilroy recently came face to face with a pair of testicles for the very first time. Her overwhelmingly positive reaction to the event is touching … Read More
Foothill Freshman Boils, Preserves Penis in Mason Jar
Upon arriving at the La Loma Dormitory, 18-year-old Freshman Joseph Whittaker learned the terrible secret of all who would dwell within its walls. Explained his RA, “All freshman males in La Loma and Hillside must preserve their penises in a … Read More
Student Unable to Answer Prayers
On Monday, Jesus Escalante filed for a change of login name with the Campus Computing Services, citing email harrassment as the reason for the request.
“My email address is jesus@ uclink.berkeley.edu,” said Escalante, a freshman majoring in mechanical engineering. “In … Read More
Study Shows Conservatives to be Pee-Fetishists
Researchers at several universities, two of whom are professors at UC Berkeley, recently published their findings on the curious nature of political conservatives. Among their findings is the conclusion that conservatives, generally speaking, like to be peed on. The study … Read More
Clown Happy; Ironic Postmodernists Confused
Captain Chuckles, a professional clown and children’s entertainer, was found this week to be a happy person, and so far the community of postmodern ironic tragico-absurdist pundits has reacted with utter confusion.
The Newark, New Jersey-area clown was pronounced earlier … Read More
Protestor Smashes Vase Symbolizing Capitalism
In a violent display of proletariat rage, members of the Berkeley chapter of the radical Socialist group the Spartacus League publicly smashed a floral-themed glass vase yesterday on Market Street in San Francisco. The vase, according to a demonstration leader … Read More
God Due Out with Follow-Up this Fall
After millennia of increasing demand from His growing fan base, God has finally announced that a follow-up to His popular first bestseller, The Bible, will arrive on book-shelves as early as mid-October. Though the author has chosen to keep the … Read More
Study : Prolonged Exposure to Jesse Jackson Harmful
Results of an extensive study conducted by researchers at NYU have confirmed that listening to the Reverend Jesse Jackson makes you dumber. As part of the study, three groups of ten adults (age 18-45) were put in separate isolated rooms … Read More
Only Map to UC Merced Lost
University of California President Richard Atkinson was flummoxed when the only existing map to the new UC Merced campus disappeared from his ’89 Volvo.
“It was right behind the driver’s seat for months,” said Atkinson. “I’ll bet [Chancellor] Bobby [Berdahl] … Read More
