Hard hit by budget cuts, Berkeley’s Integrative Biology department announced the imminent release of their “hive” of genetically- enhanced hyper-intelligent monkeys.
“We would’ve loved to protect our adored super-chimps from these cuts, but in a crisis something had to give,” said IB Chair Doug Niedermeyer. “And that something was a colony of brain-enhanced simians with telekinetic powers.”
Niedermeyer blamed the expenses of “vigilant plasma shielding” for the cuts.
The monkeys will be released onto the Berkeley campus September 29th. They are expected to thrive on campus, as they feed on pure will. Their only predator is their own brains, which feed parasitically on the host body and cause the host to eventually explode.
When informed of their release, Monkey Alpha-Omega arched a suspiciously intelligent eyebrow and scampered into the dark.
