If there’s one thing that open-minded and culturally aware people like me can’t stand, it’s Belgians. One of those waffle-munching fuckers was my roommate for a semester while he studied at Berkeley. Using his charmingly broken English and exotic European … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
God vs. a 9-year-old Indonesian kid working in a Nike sweatshop
God is a lot like an invisible friend who happens to be a huge asshole.Whenever you need Him to stop the rampages of a Joseph Stalin or an Idi Amin He’s AWOL, but whenever there are several thousand shit-poor Peruvians … Read More
Welcome to your new home!
Ah yes, Hello Mr. and Mrs. Windham, and welcome to your dream home. What a wonderful surprise visit! We’re just applying the finishing touches, you know, sanding some edges, painting some walls, replacing the roof, all easy stuff… If you … Read More
There’s a New Sheriff[s] in Town
Dear Reader:
So it looks like the old editors decided to be pricks and graduate. It turns out that they had done some bullshit loophole thing and “completed their core requirements with a minimum grand point average of 2.0.” Well … Read More
Failed Biopics
**An Ironclad Chicken-Coop: the Strom Thurmond Story **
Starring The Rock as Young Strom and A Wrinkly Leather Puppet as Old Strom
Tagline : “Great times make great oldest men in the world.”
Chronicles subject’s harrowing struggle against : African-American … Read More
Me
When I was a little kid I always thought my life would get better and better and better. Well has it? Let us compare.
Mornings
Me at 6 : I wake up early for cartoons!
Me at 16 : I … Read More
Geriatrix: A Cyberpunk Novel for Old People
Chapter 5: Do I Have a Virus?
“So why are you here?”
“I hear… I hear you know computers. I’ve got electronic mail to send to my grandson. But I’m scared and confused.”
“Say no more.”
Walter powered up the desktop of his gleaming new Apple II. … Read More
Diary of a White Collar Criminal
February 2001 – Big Promotion
I may not have one of those fancy “MBAs” or “GEDs” but if there’s one thing I do know, it’s landscape architecture. Wait, I mean business. That’s right, I just became CEO. Who’s an accident … Read More
Vegan Alternatives
Greetings! If you’re reading this then you’re a womyn or man who is choice of living a cruelty free lifestyle. Though some may be critical of harmonious existence, there are many excellent reasons to become a vegan:
- Because you object
I Want to be Fired
Lately, I’ve been wanting to get good and fired. It’s just one of those things that I want to try once before I die, like meth…again. I’ve been brainstorming ways. Here are a few:
**Propose a ‘Cleanest Pussy in the … Read More
