If you’re like me, you’re having sex RIGHT NOW. Oh but you’re not, loser. Unlike you, whose penis is probably well-pantsed, I’m what you might call a “pickup artist.”
But, you ask, what’s a pickup artist? A pickup artist is … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
So You’ve Just Sprouted a Single Wing
It happens to even the most careful and health-conscious students: you stay up too late studying for your Ornithology midterm, or pass out at Phi Kappa Emu. And the next morning, you wake up with a single unusually large avian … Read More
Driving School
Taught By a Vietnam Vet
Okay. Driving. Shit. It’s a lot like going native and building a secret jungle base decorated with human skulls: it requires planning and care.
How can I make you kids understand just what driving is like?
[sits in silence … Read More
Notes for Nerds: How to get a Date
Stop me if you’ve been in a situation like this: you’re out drinking with your bespectacled buddies, and you notice that hottie at the end of the bar making eyes at you. You return her gaze with a cool smile. … Read More
Discount Wisdom
I’ll bet back in the day people didn’t pose for portraits; everybody just moved slower.
They say that dead men tell no tales, but old men really pick up the slack for them.
I once saw a magazine that said … Read More
Fuck You, Belgian Exchange Student
If there’s one thing that open-minded and culturally aware people like me can’t stand, it’s Belgians. One of those waffle-munching fuckers was my roommate for a semester while he studied at Berkeley. Using his charmingly broken English and exotic European … Read More
God vs. a 9-year-old Indonesian kid working in a Nike sweatshop
God is a lot like an invisible friend who happens to be a huge asshole.Whenever you need Him to stop the rampages of a Joseph Stalin or an Idi Amin He’s AWOL, but whenever there are several thousand shit-poor Peruvians … Read More
Welcome to your new home!
Ah yes, Hello Mr. and Mrs. Windham, and welcome to your dream home. What a wonderful surprise visit! We’re just applying the finishing touches, you know, sanding some edges, painting some walls, replacing the roof, all easy stuff… If you … Read More
Letters from the Landlord
August 21, 2007
Dear Tenants,
I hope you have enjoyed your first couple weeks at Parker Street Apartments.
However, we do have just a few reminders and requests:
-In an effort to reduce foot traffic, we are requesting that you … Read More
Emo-bot 2000 Meets the Press
On September 25, 2007, Apple’s much-hyped Emo-Bot 2000 was finally unveiled. In an impressive show of artificial intelligence, the robot-computer hybrid was able to conduct its own Q&A session with Wired magazine.
What are Emo-Bot’s mp3 capabilities?
Emo-Bot is capable … Read More
