Dear Reader:
So it looks like the old editors decided to be pricks and graduate. It turns out that they had done some bullshit loophole thing and “completed their core requirements with a minimum grand point average of 2.0.” Well … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Failed Biopics
**An Ironclad Chicken-Coop: the Strom Thurmond Story **
Starring The Rock as Young Strom and A Wrinkly Leather Puppet as Old Strom
Tagline : “Great times make great oldest men in the world.”
Chronicles subject’s harrowing struggle against : African-American … Read More
The Unchosen People
Those of the Jewish faith refer to themselves as the Chosen People. This is wrong. God never picked anyone as Chosen, and only through a series of hilarious mix-ups did the Jews ever come to this incorrect conclusion.
****** … Read More
Words From the Top
Secrets
As we, the editorial staff of the Heuristic Squelch, are graduating in a scant few weeks, we no longer have to keep the many awful secrets we’ve kept for these four long trying years. First, the obvious secrets.
We’re the … Read More
Post Apocalyptic Love Advice
Just because a series of horrifying cataclysmic tragedies has befallen the Earth doesn’t mean your love life has to go down the tubes with it! We all need some advice sometimes, and who better to answer your romantic queries than … Read More
Eulogy
I cannot say that Jim was my best friend.
I cannot even say that Jim was my close friend. Jim was my roommate, and my roommate only, and it’s true what they say: you don’t really miss something until it’s … Read More
Animal Love
What follows are transcripts of conversations between Earth’s creatures about the ups and downs of their love lives, collected through extensive field work and less extensive peyote use.
_Two male lions kick back after a long, hard day of waiting … Read More
Step into my office…
Don’t have a seat, Eric. I’ll get right to the point.
I built this company with my bare hands. I woke up at four AM for 60 years and never once took a vacation. Now I admit, I didn’t come … Read More
s.f. bay area craigslist > a guide to casual encounters
Reply to: 9634890095@craigslist.org
Posting : I’m a horny big black woman desperate for some cock.
Translation: My name is Eddie Murphy and I just want to get back into my big black woman costume I used in Norbit. I … Read More
Seinfeld Meets 24
[Jerry and George exit the CTU locker room]
Jerry : Sweatpants? You’re wearing sweatpants to a bomb defusing?
George : What, there’s something wrong with sweatpants?
Jerry : No, not at all, assuming you’re New Jersey SWAT.
George… Read More
