We at the Heuristic Squelch know that the last thing you want to think about is money, but these obscure campus scholarships might be your only chance to graduate without a second mortgage on your kidneys. Just remember, some some … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Ted “Deathfuker” Quinn’s Finishing School for Men
Hello Potential Customer,
I’m Ted “Deathfuker” Quinn, proud owner and operator of Deathfuker’s School for Etiquette and Deportment. We at Deathfuker’s are committed to transforming candy asses into confident and successful citizens through an intensive ten-step program.
Step 1: … Read More
How WikiLeaks Has Changed the World
The impact of WikiLeaks’ crusade for transparency has extended well beyond the United States, leading to public revelations that have engulfed countless world governments in scandals, threatening to shake them to their core. This map is a handy primer to … Read More
Heuristic Squelch’s Treasury of Soul-Crushing Quotes
- Beggars can’t be choosers, but choosers could be beggars after one little fuck-up.
- If at first you don’t succeed, you’re a fucking failure.
- I think therefore I’m sad.
- A bird in the hand would peck your eyes out if it
Welcome Week Packet for Incoming Freshmen, 1869
[A LETTER]
Dearest Students,
Salutations to the Second Freshman Class in the history of the University of California! Welcome to what will surely be the most celebrated university in this Golden State, provided an eccentric railroad baron does not build … Read More
HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT ADDERALL?
Link Stockton, Drug Dealer
What’s got two thumbs and wants to help you graduate college?
This guy!
Would you like to…
- Study alone in your room for days?
-
Be awake until you see sunrise and then be awake some more?
-
Turn every activity of
Words from the Top
Some Ideas Are Not Very Good
Believe it or not, not everything submitted to the Squelch is a winner. If you haven’t noticed (because you’re not a writer or dedicated stalker), all of our submission information is on the bottom left corner of the opposite page. … Read More
Man Wears Clearly Ironic Shirt Non-Ironically
San Francisco resident Jake Moyle surprised fashion critics this week by believing the sentiment expressed on his ironic T-shirt. The shirt, purchased at a Goodwill on Mission and 19th Street, ironically displays a picture of former president George W. … Read More
Things I Wouldn’t Mind Raising Tuition For
With all the talk of budget cuts and fee hikes, no one has considered the blunt reality: tuition increases could be totally awesome. Sure, there are a few drawbacks, but here’s some of the cool shit we could afford if … Read More
The Kitten Manifesto
WE are the Arbiters of man’s destiny! Furry adorable death machines nibbling at the catnip of eternity.
Our teeth are sunk into their youtubes,
that million fathom deep
pit of futile commotion.
Not since those Egyptian foolS have … Read More
