[Rumsfeld enters and takes the podium]

Thank you all for coming. As you may have inferred from the mid-term election results, I am resigning the post of Secretary of Defense. Before I take leave of you, I have a few words that I’ve been saving since I was graciously awarded this position.

Let me begin by saying what a fat group of cocksuckers you all are. For the record, any time I ever got up in front of this podium, I spent most of my time wondering how you assholes would taste if I were to cook you. Charlie from the Post always ranked as the most delicious in my mind. A lifetime of Kentucky bourbon, Thai ladyboys, and Oxycontin will make you nice and tender as this fat fuck demonstrates. You’re the motherfucking veal of this shitbox press corps, Charlie.

Sheryl Stolberg from the Times gets my vote for most unappetizing. That bitch is so far left I bet her liver would taste like donkey turds, and take that from someone who has eaten a lot of human liver and a lot of animal excrement. Also, Sherrie, some personal advice: Your haircut makes you look like a dyke. I doubt you actually play for the other team though, because for the last six years you’ve had a cock up your ass that’s SO BIG I’m surprised it doesn’t have its own congressional district.

So how did this all happen? I’ll tell you. You’re all a bunch of skirt-wearing sallies that take their marching orders from a few frothing-at-the-mouth shut-ins who spend all of their time prattling on about bullshit issues like “human rights” and “not torturing people.” If you pulled your head out of your cavernous asses and thought about the realities for a moment instead of mindlessly regurgitating the tripe spewed out by the Rascal-piloting Whopper-guzzling lard-belching pansies running DailyIHateAmerica.com, then I’d still have this job and we’d be making progress in Iran.

[an aide hurriedly rushes up to whisper something to Rumsfeld]

What? Oh, right, I meant Iraq. Well fuck it, I don’t care who knows now. Open wide Ahmadinejad, because Uncle Sam is

going to facefuck the oil reserve right out of you. We’re going to need a good meal too, because we’re going to get hungry again 15 minutes after we nuke the shit out of Shanghai.

Where does this all leave us? Well it leaves me with a guaranteed book deal, a portfolio that makes me richer than God, and the chance to get upwards of $100,000 per stupid speech I make at rat hole events and institutions. Hey Sherrie, maybe I can come speak at your coming out party, heh heh heh. Just kidding, I wouldn’t want to get within five miles of the unshaved patchoulisnatched stable of rugmunchers you’re sure to keep around. Really, go fuck yourself Sherrie.

Ol’ Bob Gates from the CIA will be taking over for me soon. Hey Bob, sold much crack in Los Angeles lately? Ha ha, I kid, I kid. But seriously, he’s a criminal.

Any questions?

[the hands of all the reporters shoot up as they begin shouting for Rumsfelds attention]

Sike. Well, I’m out of here. Think of me when an Iraqi is sawing off your head while you sleep. Cocksuckers.

[Rumsfeld drops the microphone, gives the reporters the middle finger, and leaves]

We here at the Squelch are proud to be entering our 16th year on this campus, and we’d like to celebrate by answering our readers’ most commonly asked questions. Unfortunately none of our readers have ever asked us anything. The only communication we have with our audience is when people spit at us on Sproul. So instead we broke into the offices of hundreds of other Berkeley publications and stole their mail.

Dear Smart Ass Squelch,

I’ve recently discovered that my boyfriend is a Republican! I love him, but how can I be with a man that denies my right to marry a woman?

What should I do?

-Leslie

Answer: Unfortunately there’s little hope for your situation. Make the break up quick and clean: bash his skull in with a rock.

Dear Cal Patriot Squelch,

I just found out that my girlfriend is actually a Democrat! I love her as much as a conservative can love a woman, what should I do?

-Craig

Answer: Look out! She’s got a rock!

Dear Queer Resource Center Squelch,

Can I get HIV through oral sex?

-Danny

Answer: Danny, you can do whatever you put your mind to. Thanks for writing in!

Dear La Voz El Squelch,

A los miembros de una cuadrilla de la calle ha secuestrado a mi marido anterior que se llamaba los Revolucionarios Muertos. Me tienen dicho que si no les traigo $35,000 dólares por la noche de miércoles corten su garganta delante de nuestro solamente hijo. Soy así que asustado y no sé a quién para dar vuelta. ¿Podría usted prestarme el dinero que necesito ahorrar al padre de mi hijo?

-Margarite

Answer: Margarite, in answer to your question, no, yes, no, sometimes, and Rick Moranis. Thanks for your question, and please enjoy this autographed photo of “Squelchy.”

Dear Daily Cal Squelch,

In last week’s article “League of Women Voters to Supervise Election,” the author implied he was against women’s right to vote. Am I misconstruing this, or did I read it as intended??

-Jessie

Answer: Dear Jessie, we here at the Squelch are intimately familiar with the Women’s Suffrage movement and couldn’t oppose it more.

Well, we hope this answers all your questions about the Heuristic Squelch. If you have any further questions about our operation, please spit at us.

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