Volume 3, Issue 4.2: Cal Misadventures
Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Latest Issue
Volume 3, Issue 4.1: Dot-to-Dot Issue
Volume 3, Issue 1: Fall Orientation
Volume 2, Issue 5: Finals Hell Issue
Volume 1, Issue 2: Final Stress Issue
Volume 1, Issue 1: Cal’s newest FREE Comedy Newspaper
Features
Newsflashes
- Israel Announces New Religion
- ASUC Declares War
- Mysterious Murders Baffle Police
- Russo-McD Relations Improve
- Chancellor Welcomes New Students
- Water Polo Match Protested
- Groundhog Caddyshacked!
Top Tens
- Top Ten Least Likely Rap Groups
- Top Ten Beginning Philosophy Questions
- Top Ten Sleaziest Pick Up Lines
- Top Ten Reasons to Submit to The Heuristic Squelch
- Top Ten Worst Rejections to a Request for a Date
- Top Ten Things to do on a Long Airplane Trip
- Top Ten Rules of Classroom Etiquette
- Top Ten Things To Do at Frat Party
- Top Ten Least Known Berkeley Misdemeanors
- Top Five Things to Do While Waiting in ASUC Bookstore Line
Rick Starr’s Top Five Gigs
- Sang “God Bless America” at Bush’s inauguration
- Headline act at Disoriented Street People Talent Show
- Opened for Pink Floyd at Berlin Wall
- Breakfast Lounge at Sunshine Insane Asylum
- Sang national anthem at 1990 World Series
Top Ten Things Overheard in Faculty Club Lounge
- “What do you mean I can’t cancel class just because the A’s lost?”
- “I’ll assign your book to my class if you give me that jelly donut”
- “I don’t give A’s because that just encourages them to stay.
- “Who finished the damn keg?”
- “…and of course I made sure there were no copies in the bookstore before I assigned it”
- “Party at Tien’s!!”
- “So, what’s this ‘curve’ thing?”
- “I’ve been feeling much better ever since I failed everybody on the midterm”
- “Don’t let me get too drunk. I have office hours in twenty minutes”
- “I need about two more slaves- whoops, T.A.s- for my class”
Top Five Reasons to Consider Dropping Out of School
- You need a dictionary to comprehend the word “graduation”
- You spend most of class time talking on cellular phone
- You forget exactly which multiple of four years college is supposed to be
- Beer and/or marijuana are staples of diet
- Semester is half over before you notice you don’t have any classes
Top Ten Beginning Philosophy Questions
- Shouldn’t we close physical reality for Martin Luther King, Jrs. birthday?
- Is reincarnated paper more expensive than recycled?
- What are the chances of finding the true meaning of life in a fortune cookie?
- Does physical reality have call waiting?
- Does B.A.R.T. go to Nirvana?
- How much does “Wheel of Fortune” control human destiny?
- Do they card in the afterlife?
- Does God wear Mickey Mouse ears?
- Does the universe come in other flavors?
- Is the human soul tax deductible?
