ASUC Declares War

After over six minutes of fierce debate, the ASUC Senate voted unanimously last week to declare war on South Africa because of its policies of apartheid and other human rights violations. The senate immediately appropriated the remaining $719 in its budget to “wage war against South Africa until finals come up.”

ASUC President Bonaparte Liu told reporters that he had already sent threatening postcards to the nation and was almost done making all the draft cards for the Freshmen. Student senators spent much of the week booking cheap flights to Johannesburg and making camouflage tie-dyes.

In a related story, it was discovered that the ROTC department fled to Canada late last night.