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Squelch M.D.
Volume 18- Issue 1

Scenes from an Improv Drama Troupe

August 1, 2008

Improviser 1:  All right, for this scene, we’re going to need a trope.  Tropes, anyone?

Audience Member 1: A wedding cancelled due to a miscarriage!

Audience Member 2: A man, trapped, sees no other course but to end his life!!

Audience Member 3 : A man beats his wife because his father taught him that love was desperate and hateful!

I**** mproviser 1:  Miscarriage, I heard miscarriage.

 

Improviser 2: Okay, now we’re going to play “Bartender”. First up is Randall. Randall is despondent about something, what is he despondent about?

Audience Member 1: Crippling ennui !

Audience Member 2: A friendship irrevocably slipping away!

Improviser 2: Ennui it is!

Randall: (Drinks silently, sighs.)

Audience: (Empathizes wildly.)

 

Improviser 3: Okay, we’ve got our scene: a café with Immanuel Kant and King Edward VII. Now, can we have an inner conflict?

Audience Members 1 and 2: Oedipal complex!

(Everyone laughs cathartically)

 

Improviser 4: Damn it, Susan, I put my whole life into that painting! How could you take that away from me?

Improviser 5: Uh… I, um… shit.

Audience Member 1: Starved for affection!

Improviser 5: Right. Steve, it was consuming everything! You paid more attention to that painting than your own wife! [Whispers to Audience Member 1] Thank you…

Volume 18- Issue 1

Rumspringa

August 1, 2008

During the period known as “Rumspringa,” Amish youth are permitted to leave their insular communities and explore the world of the modern American teenager. Most return to be baptized, but a slim minority chooses to stay in the high-fat, high-octane world of the modern United States.   

The following is the diary of one of those renegades.

August 25, 2008

Today is the day I leave for my journey into the technological den of the heathen, and already I am excited to see what kind of electronic pitchforks and wireless chicken coops everyone will have.  I hugged my diligent sister and her industrious unborn child goodbye and set off into the world.

August 26, 2008

While crossing the street the other day, I was accosted by a large turtle with big rubber feet who made honking noises at me. Just kidding, I knew it was a car. I’m Amish, not retarded.

August 28, 2008

I wore a shirt with buttons today and have yet to be possessed by the Prince of Darkness. Will keep checking.

 

September 1, 2008

Wish me luck, diary, I’m going to an inner-city high school for the first time today!  I’m a little bit nervous, all the other kids at school are probably going to have better-looking clothes, faster horses, and more pristine Bibles than me.

 

September 5, 2008

While I appreciate my new high school friends’ hospitality and their desire to entertain me, I’m beginning to wonder if there’s any other movie beside Witness.

September 7, 2008

I gave a sermon today explaining that electricity is the lightning of Hell. I think I made my point well enough, but the people in the Intensive Care Unit weren’t very enthusiastic.

**September 15, 2008 **

I still felt like I didn’t fit in at school until I met the Goths. Today I exchanged my black suit for a different black suit and talked morosely about hellfire and damnation. I don’t think anyone noticed the change.

 

September 24, 2008

As fun as school is, it doesn’t quite compare to my father clubbing me with a carpenter’s mallet while screaming the Psalms in Dutch.  I think I’ll drop out and try working for a while.

 

September 26, 2008

 My job search is going slowly. I guess everyone already has their own barn.

 

September 29, 2008

Success!  I just got back from my first day of work as a cashier at a personal entertainment store called “Rasputin Records.”  I don’t know anything about what I’m supposed to be selling, but I am very good at being judgmental and condescending about what people buy, so I ought to be manager within a few weeks.

 

October 2, 2008

Why is it so hard for people to relate to me here?  Look, I know we all have our differences, but underneath it we’re all the same, right?  We all have fears and hopes, we all have families and loved ones, we’re all indoctrinated into an oppressive society plagued with incest and a rejection of medicine and inoculation that can only be called hubris.  What’s the problem?

 

October 4, 2008

I met a cute girl at work who I think really likes me, but it feels like things aren’t going very well. I mean, we aren’t even married yet.

October 7, 2008

Megan and mine’s first date was amazing!  I don’t know if making out while listening to Feist is specifically considered a sin, but I’m starting to think this might be worth missing out on a heaven consisting of making your own candles and cider all day.  I’m so fucking sick of cider.

 

October 18, 2008

My time in the non-Amish world is coming to a close, and I must make my decision soon.  I’m really torn on this one.  On the one hand, I have my family and the security of community, as well as the strength of their traditions and the beauty of their faith, but on the other hand, I have Rock Band.  Have you ever played that?  There’s like, seriously, a billion songs.  A guy I know downloaded an entire Who album.  Shit, I’m gonna go play that right now.  Fuck my family.

Volume 18- Issue 1

Google Researches New Ways to Invade Privacy

August 1, 2008
,

        No longer content to just have better access to your personal information than you do, Google is stepping up research into new ways to invade your privacy. The research’s main focus is invading the privacy of your own home.

 

        “It’s really one of the few privacy barriers we have left to break,” says Google engineer Matt Johnson. “That’s why we’re releasing a new program: Google Theft!” Users of Google Theft will have their homes broken into by four burly men with the intention of taking everything in sight. The program is only in beta testing right now, but testers are already giving glowing reviews.

 

        “I love Google Theft! My search results have never been better,” said one anonymous tester after having his blood type forcibly tested as per the request of another anonymous Google user.

 

        When questioned about the Constitutionality of such privacy violations, Google co-founder Larry Page responded, “Nowhere does it say in the constitution that we can’t do this.”  When made aware of the fourth amendment, Page changed all of the results for “4th amendment US constitution” to awkward-looking child pornography.

 

        Despite their many technological and legal triumphs, Google employees remain humble. They cite Google Theft’s greatest accomplishment as “headquarters never before having nicer furniture or televisions.”

Volume 18- Issue 1

A Cult of Your Very Own!

August 1, 2008
,

            In these uncertain times, when the world is changing too rapidly to keep track of and society seems just one more Hulk Hogan-themed reality show away from collapsing into utter chaos, many people will look anywhere for stability and guidance, even a piece of nonsensical bullshit scribbled on a cocktail napkin.  But even economics can’t help us now, so it’s time to turn to God.  “But which God?” you ask.  “I’m too weak and indecisive to choose among so many faiths!”  The answer in simple, young one: emulate the actions so many before you, by making up your own religion based on your pipe-dream observations and stuff you pulled out of your ass. With time and a lot of luck, you’ll join the ranks of Jim Jones, Turkmenbashi, and Jesus!

Step 1: I am the (blank) thy (blank)

First up is choosing a figurehead to worship.  A good idol will give you and your equally-desperate and gullible followers a combination of teacher, role model, and imaginary friend.  Here are some candidates for the job.

         Subject of Worship   


         Pros   


         Cons   




         God   


         Elegantly simple name; versatile powers; invisible, so they can’t prove he’s not talking to you   


         Jews and Christians tend to be a bit possessive of Him. Look how they reacted when Muslims changed his name, for Allah’s sake.   




         Fictional Character   


         Already well-known; more entertaining than real people; sectarian strife easily resolved through game of “who would win in a fight”    


         Copyright laws may inhibit construction of your Batman cathedral; St. Stifler unlikely to stand test of time.   




         Historical Figure   


         Can’t complain; already plausibly in Heaven; plenty of relics available if you act fast   


         You’d be surprised how popular depraved sexual indiscretions have been through the ages.

 
Step 2: In the Beginning was the Name

Once you get a mascot ironed out, it’s time to work out a name with which to sell your divine product.  The proper name imbues a new faith with dignity, meaning, and industry buzz.  Unless you have a cool name like Confucius or Buddha, don’t go with naming it after yourself.  No one wants to join the First Church of Chuckianity or try to convert their friends to Weinberg-Hoffmanism.  Instead, I’ve come up with some appropriately religious-sounding words to mix and match. 

         Truth-   


         -ism   




         Love-   


         -age   




         Hope-   


         -ology   




         Free-                                          


         -itude   




         Sanct-   


         -orama   




         Good-   


         -To The Max   




         Morm-   


         -tastic   




         Obama-   


         -osexuality    




         Crunk-   


         -oflatterdaysaints

 
Step 3: Dogma – No, not the Kevin Smith one with Alanis Morissette

Having by now attracted a crowd with your snazzy name and charismatic ranting, they’re going to want some content.  Your new religion will need a system of rules and virtues to help guide your new flock through the difficulties of life.  It will also need silly, arbitrary rules that impede scientific progress or subjugate women for the hell of it if you want to hang with the big boys.  Some examples of orthodoxy that’ll be sure to bring in the parishioners:

 

•                     Church clothes include Halloween costumes

•                     Reset the calendar to begin the year Jimi Hendrix died

•                     Confession given entirely through charades

•                     Begin every service with Green Lantern oath

•                     Some sort of vague admonition to resist oppression that could easily be reinterpreted to authorize bloody warfare

•                     Bring back Viking funerals – those were so boss!

•                     Sermons can discuss politics, but only those of 19th century Austria

•                     Maybe something about peace and love, if there’s time

 

With luck, you’ll soon have a loyal coterie of followers willing to obey your every command and buy you smokes.  Next up: pricing isolated desert compounds and powdered drink mix.  And remember, when the road gets rocky and the state troopers have almost made it through the outer wall, you never read this article and everything was God’s idea.

 

Trust me.

Volume 18- Issue 1

The Carnie Life

August 1, 2008
,

Every now and then I find myself thinking, “Max, what if carnies were real people? Where would they go? What would they do?” As it turns out, this summer I had the distinct displeasure of working at the Santa Cruz Boardwalk as a ride operator. My experiences there changed me into one of them forever.

 

These are the untold stories of Carnie life.

_

 

_

_Work

_

Child: I can’t get my seatbelt on. Can you help me?

Me: Yeah whatever, no one helped me in life. You can figure it out like I did.

Child: Doesn’t this ride go upside down?

Me: Maybe. I stop paying attention after I start the ride. Here we go!

-One minute later-

Prostitute: So, are we gonna do this or do you want to wait till the ride’s finished?

Me: Baby, I didn’t wake up at ten fuckin’ thirty for any of your fancy city talk. I did it to start drinking. Anyway, let’s have sex.

Prostitute: Oh yeah, let’s– OH MY GOD! Some kid just fell off that ride!  I think he’s dead.

Me: Don’t look at me. I told him to put his fucking seatbelt on.

_

 

_

_Basic Necessities

_

Grocery Store Clerk: You’re purchasing how many bottles of tequila?

Me: Just 10. I’m not very thirsty today. Oh, and I need a lime.

Clerk: If you don’t mind me asking sir, what do you eat?

Me: That’s what the lime is for, dumbass. That and scurvy.

Clerk: Okay. That brings your total to 214 dollars and 62 cents. How will you be paying today?

Me: With the green paper stuff. What’s it called?

Clerk: Cash?

Me: Yeah, that’s it.

  [Hands over green paper stuff]

Clerk: Sir, this isn’t money. This is just green construction paper that you scribbled numbers all over. Even then, it still only adds up to fifty cents.

Me: Read the back.

Clerk: “WYL U IZ REEDING THIS I IZ TAKING BOOZ AND RUNING.” God dammit, not again!

_

 

_

_Dating

_

Me: So the point of my story is if you’re not careful you can end up with herpes in BOTH your eyes!

Woman: That…that’s disgusting.

Me: Hey don’t judge until you’ve tried it.

Woman: Okay yeah, I’m definitely leaving now.

Me: Just like my wife on my eleventh birthday last year? Women! You’re all the same. You’re more immature than my 3 year old son. Or his three year old, for that matter!

Woman: Did you say eleven? You told me you were Gary Busey! That’s the only reason I’m here!

Me: Naw, that’s my daddy.

Woman: I thought you said your daddy was Robert Downey Jr.?

Me: Naw, that’s my other daddy. Maw was pretty drunk. That’s why I got me a speech impediment.

 

_Safety Training

_

Boss:   So we don’t really know what this button does, or why it’s here, but legend is that it was pressing this button what gave Frank polio.  So don’t press this button.

Me:****   Right.

Boss:  Next up, this piece of equipment is really dangerous and shouldn’t be operated if you’ve been drinking.

Me:  But how am I supposed to get through the day without tequila?

Boss:****   Pssh.  Okay, if you’ve been drinking pussy shit like tequila, that’s fine, princess.  I meant _really _drinkin’.

Me:****   There’s a lot of sparks comin’ out of this wire.  What should I do about that?

Boss:****   Shit, we need more gum. 

_

 

_

_Hanging Out With Co-Workers

_

Jeb:   Damn, sometimes it’s just good to hang out outside of the workplace.  Specifically, in the parking lot.

Charley:   You gonna eat that cigarette?

Jeb:   Hell yes, the filter is where all the vitamins are.

Me:   You guys ever see that ghost that walks around the Fried Beer stand?

Charley:   Aw, you mean ol’ Carnie McGee?  He’s somethin’ of a legend around these parts.

Jeb:****   According to myth, he was president of the carnies, until he disbanded our union in exchange for half of a Meat-Lover’s pizza.  Some say he was struck by lightning while hosing off vomit.  Some contend he died of a broken heart after his wife left him for her other nephew.  Charley says he saw him get hit by a motorcycle.

Charley:   And he’s been haunting the park ever since, for a whole week.

Volume 17- Issue 5

Volume 17, Issue 5: Wizard of Oswald

April 1, 2008
PDF Link

Features

Newsflashes

Volume 17- Issue 5

Cosmo-Whore’s Whor-o-Scopes

April 1, 2008

Aries (3/21-4/20)

Single?   Cautious Saturn says that your landlord is likely to finally call the police on you, so now might be a good time to steal all the copper wire and flee the county. 

Hooking? _  _Remember to keep your composure when a phone call from your biological father reminds you of the time he made you have sex with his boss.

 

 

 

Taurus (4/21-5/21)

Single?   The stars remind you to keep on your toes this month.  When your friends and family track you down to stage an intervention, make sure you’re in an uninterruptible heroin coma. 

Hooking?   Venus in your house all week means that Big Jimmy must have kicked her out again.

Gemini (5/22-6/23)

Single?   This is a good month to turn over a new leaf.  Throw away that old pipe and fashion yourself a new one out of an old light bulb. 

Hooking?   A series of police sting operations will provide you with an excellent opportunity to ask for a promotion.

 

 

**C**** ancer (6/24-7/22) **

Single?   You’ve been working too hard lately.  The free clinic can you help you unwind after a week of stressful needle drugs. 

Hooking?  Rowdy Jupiter in the third house suggests you might want to watch out for eye infections this month.

 

 

Leo (7/23-8/22)

Single?   Don’t rush things with that boy you’ve had your eye on.  Wait a couple weeks before introducing him to your child with fetal alcohol syndrome. 

Hooking**** ?  This week will test your courage when a john wants to shit in your mouth.  Trust your instincts.

 

 

Virgo (8/23-9/22)

Single?   You will be conflicted as to the level of relief you will feel when you learn that the burning sensation you thought was gonorrhea is actually an old cigarette burn. 

Hooking?   Chaos in your astral alignment would normally suggest that you should consider a career change, but it should be clear by now that you can’t and that you’re trapped in this life forever, ha ha ha.

 

 

Libra (9/23-10/23)

Single**** ?  Tread lightly with your relationships this week.  Tensions will flare when you realize that a friend has been stealing your penicillin. 

Hooking?   Take a break from all the hustle and bustle!  Organize a girl’s night in watching Pretty Woman and sobbing.

 

 

Scorpio (10/24-11/21)

Single?   This week, remember:  emotional scars don’t heal, but neither do burns you get from nodding off while freebasing. 

Hooking? _  _The stars offer this hot tip: occasionally look him in the eye while going down on him; he’ll be guilted into tipping you more.

 

 

**Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)
**

Single?  Be prepared for a surprise this week when a lover from the past comes back to haunt you in the form of hepatitis. 

Hooking?   Mars colliding with Saturn this month will be a lot less painful than the butt of Devón’s pistol after he catches you stealing his blow.

 

 

Capricorn (12/22-1/19)

Single?   Be sure to tell your family about your imminent TV stardom, but make sure to warn them that the first half hour of _Maury _can be pretty slow. 

Hooking?   The stars say this month might be a good time to induce a miscarriage.  On a budget?  Falling down a flight of stairs offers a cheap alternative to conventional Western medicine, such as running your car into a tree or being punched in a bar fight.

 

 

Aquarius (1/20-2/18)

Single?   The perfect man is just around the corner.  Specifically, he’s in the alleyway behind the methadone clinic vomiting black. 

Hooking?   You’ll soon reconsider your friend’s kind gesture when you realize the blind date she’s set you up with is her virgin brother with autism.

 

 

Pisces (2/19-3/20)

Single?   This is a week for serendipity.  Ask one of your friends that has a GED what serendipity is. 

Hooking?   Treat yourself this weekend by stocking up on makeup for the spring season bruises.

Volume 17- Issue 5

Words From the Top

A Little Bit of Legal Trouble

April 1, 2008

My last semester at Cal roughly resembles an Isaac Asimov short story in which an intrepid interstellar explorer lands on a mysterious and seemingly deserted ice planet, only to discover that the University of California at Berkeley has expelled him for misconduct. For those of you who don’t read or are idiots, I’ll dispense with the metaphorical bullshit: this means that I am in trouble for illegal acts that I have allegedly done. I say “allegedly” because the police have no evidence that those Molotov cocktails I tossed over my shoulder weren’t in self-defense. Also, they have no proof that Chancellor Birgeneau’s Mercedes wasn’t stolen by an elite criminal organization, who had deviously framed me by planting my fingerprints, blood, hair, sweat, dead skin cells, and semen all over the front seat.

 

And now, I’m on the lam. I’m hiding in an undisclosed Latin American country and waiting for things to blow over before I return to finish my bachelor’s degree under an assumed identity. It’s a perfect plan: no one will suspect Friedrich, the mild-mannered German exchange student who is majoring in Legal Studies, enjoys rugby, and speaks fluent Spanish for some reason.

 

But I must admit I worry sometimes. When I wake up every morning I  fear that I may be seized the long arm of UCPD, with its unchecked powers of sending mass emails about crime and yelling at students on bikes. So don’t think I’m on easy street: my paranoia knows no bounds. Even sunlight scares me: I put iron shutters on the windows and then painted those shudders black while thinking very hard about eclipses.

 

I guess I’m telling you all this because I want to say this: enjoy your college years while you can, and live without regrets. My dad used to say that people who have regrets are like people who don’t rob Chancellor Birgeneau: they’re not my son.

Volume 17- Issue 5

Congratulations! You’ve just had sex with me.

April 1, 2008
, ,

Annnnnnd there.

Wow. I…was…amazing. Did you see me? I was like the champagne of sex-having. I got all up in there. I built a house in there. I joined the PTA in there. That is my home. Your snatch is my home.

So, was it as good for me as it obviously was for you? I must have foreplayed on you for 10, maybe 12 minutes. I can see you’re still rolling your eyes in pleasure. You better watch out, there’s not a whole lot of room for you to orgasm around on this inflatable mattress. If you could maybe scoot over a little bit. You know what, why don’t you sit in that chair for a while? I kind of like to lounge around after the all the jang-a-langing. I’ll appreciate you from afar, like a work of art or a vase covered in my sweat and chest hair.

Getting dressed again so soon? And on the verge of tears? This must be one of your cute little ways of getting me to undress you again. I’ll get right on that. In a minute. So, you must be pretty experienced. Yeah, I can tell, ‘cause I’m really experienced. I’ve thrown a bone in literally three girls before, and with one of them I sort of did it twice. More like once and a half. But I’ve also done tremendous amounts of research through quasi-legal means. When it comes to poking, I consider myself a bit of a sensei, or perhaps a zaibatsu.

Why don’t you stick around for breakfast? We’ve got some onion dip and mustard in the fridge, and I think that pita bread is still okay. I think breakfast is, like, the sexiest meal of the day. Hey, you know what we could do to make it even sexier, is I could eat it off of you. Oh man, this’ll be great; quick, slather yourself with the dip. Nothing gets a woman hotter than being treated like a plate. No? All right, fine. But you’re missing out.

Well, you’ve probably got a lot of stuff to do. You have a job, right? Yeah, that must be something. I’m pretty busy myself; I’ve got appointments, I was going to throw a resume together, and there’s that Naruto fandub I’ve been putting off. If you were looking for your shoes, they’re over by the Wii. Hey! Be careful, don’t knock it over! I don’t remember you being that clumsy with my junk.

Look, I’m beginning to think this was a mistake, you’re clearly not the girl you said you were on Craigslist. You should probably just continue leaving. By the way, if you could try to keep those awkward Hulk-feet on the running and not my mom’s carpet, that would be aces.

And, hey. Call me?

Volume 17- Issue 5

In-N-Out’s Secret Secret Menu

April 1, 2008

Many know about In’n’Out’s “Secret Menu,” which includes popular but not officially announced delicacies such as Protein Burgers and Animal Style fries. But only a select few members of a highly selective selection committee know about In’N’Out’s Secret Secret Menu. These burgers are so secret, even the FDA won’t approve them.

Name: Sushi Burger

Description: This uncooked delicacy owes its rich taste to the retention of the animal’s juices. This is how they eat a burger in Japan, where it is tradition to die after eating burgers.

Ingredients: Chuck ground plus bun minus warmth

Calories: 425 (burger), 30 (E. Coli)

Goes Well With: Clawing at your own stomach, groaning

 

Name: Real Protein Burger

Description: The meal of choice for aspiring triple bypass patients. This burger caters to the carb-conscious by eliminating starchy buns and healthily replacing them with silly Atikins diet bullshit. Those looking for a little more adventure can get the Real Protein Cheeseburger, which replaces the slice of cheese with another patty.

Ingredients: Three burgers, genius.

Calories: 8003

Goes Well With: Health insurance.

 

Name: Animal Style Milkshake

Description: A scrumptious six-pound concoction of milk, chocolate ice cream, and Thousand Island dressing. This was adopted by In-N-Out after it tested well with focus group members, who participated in a carefully designed double-blind test and were baked.

Ingredients: Ice cream, milk, grilled onions, Thousand Island dressing, crumbled-up Funyuns purchased at a nearby convenience store

Calories: Imagine, like, the biggest number in the world

Goes Well With: Staring into space and giggling

 

Name: Fat Shakespeare

Description: Designed for the well-read fast food connoisseur, this salubrious sandwich is inspired by the Shakespearean sonnet. No one gets this burger except English majors.

Ingredients: Four patties, four onions, four tomatoes, a couplet of cheese.

Calories: A fort-calorie.

Goes Well With: The smaller, more accessible Cliff’s Notes Burger.

 

Name: The Oeuvre

Description: “Waste not, want not, “ is the guiding principle behind this burger, which contains things that most homeless people would waste. Compiled from ingredients of every menu item In and Out has to offer, the Oeuvre is over 30 cubic feet of fixin’s served in a trash bag, with complementary trowel.

Ingredients: All.

Calories: One hundred kabillion.

Goes Well With: Mayonnaise.

 

Name: Fries “Mineral” Style

Description: The fossilized remains of uneaten Upper Pleistocene fries, getting your fries done “Mineral” style requires 2.8 million years advanced notice and favorable sedimentary conditions.

Ingredients: Fries, the cold stroke of time unyielding.

Calories: 9 Kj when used as fuel for trains.

Goes Well With: 10,000 BC Merlot.