Jesus Not Ready For Committed Relationship with Area Woman

Local woman Ellen Perry found her religious life shattered last Saturday after it was revealed to her by Jesus Christ that the personal relationship she had developed with Him was shared with almost 1.5 billion other people. Initially, Ms. Perry took the news hard, ranting to our reporters “I just can’t believe it, after all the shit I’ve put up with, like Him not being able to go to nice restaurants that require shoes because of holes in His feet or Him sitting around the house all day in His robe saying He’d already sacrificed Himself for my sins, He cheats on me with a quarter of the planet!”

According to eyewitnesses, Jesus finally mentioned His other relationships on a dinner date after Ellen mentioned how nice it would be to live together. Upon hearing the news, Ellen grew furious threw a glass of water, which promptly turned into wine at Jesus’ face, and stormed out, spending the rest of the weekend in bed “putting back together the broken pieces of her faith in a higher power.”

Perry has stated a willingness to move on and is reportedly going on a blind date with Buddha, a deity described by her friends as a nice laid back sort of guy whose only golden rule is “no fat chicks.”

Jesus could not be reached for comment.