Guide to Theme Bars

Past Imperfect

Desired clientele: English teachers

Undesired clientele: The passive voice

Décor: Flowery, yet subtly evocative of customers’ inner thoughts

On the TV behind the counter: _Masterpiece Theater


Signature cocktail: The Dylan Tonic


Stalag 17

Desired clientele: WWII vets

Undesired clientele: The Krauts!

Décor: Mostly Betty Grable pinups

On the TV behind the counter: Tom Hanks reading a Bible out loud.

Signature cocktail: Sgt. Schnapps


The Alcoholodeck

Desired clientele: Trekkies

Undesired clientele: Evil alternate-universe selves

Décor: Futuristic, but with no apparent restrooms

On the TV behind the counter: Gee, what do you think?

Signature cocktail: Synthohol


The Lair

Desired clientele: Supervillains

Undesired clientele: Infernal do-gooders, frat boys

Décor: Volcano/Arctic/Desert/Jungle theme

On the TV behind the counter: Lifetime

Signature cocktail: They just call it “the serum”


The Opiate of the Masses

Desired clientele: Marxists

Undesired clientele: People with jobs

Décor: Functional

On the TV behind the counter: CNBC ironically

Signature cocktail: Molotov



Desired clientele: Drunks

Undesired clientele: AA sponsors

Décor: Blurry

On the TV behind the counter: somethinurrrghleemelone

Signature cocktail: Rubbing alcohol and tears