Many know about In’n’Out’s “Secret Menu,” which includes popular but not officially announced delicacies such as Protein Burgers and Animal Style fries. But only a select few members of a highly selective selection committee know about In’N’Out’s Secret Secret Menu. These burgers are so secret, even the FDA won’t approve them.
Name: Sushi Burger
Description: This uncooked delicacy owes its rich taste to the retention of the animal’s juices. This is how they eat a burger in Japan, where it is tradition to die after eating burgers.
Ingredients: Chuck ground plus bun minus warmth
Calories: 425 (burger), 30 (E. Coli)
Goes Well With: Clawing at your own stomach, groaning
Name: Real Protein Burger
Description: The meal of choice for aspiring triple bypass patients. This burger caters to the carb-conscious by eliminating starchy buns and healthily replacing them with silly Atikins diet bullshit. Those looking for a little more adventure can get the Real Protein Cheeseburger, which replaces the slice of cheese with another patty.
Ingredients: Three burgers, genius.
Goes Well With: Health insurance.
Name: Animal Style Milkshake
Description: A scrumptious six-pound concoction of milk, chocolate ice cream, and Thousand Island dressing. This was adopted by In-N-Out after it tested well with focus group members, who participated in a carefully designed double-blind test and were baked.
Ingredients: Ice cream, milk, grilled onions, Thousand Island dressing, crumbled-up Funyuns purchased at a nearby convenience store
Calories: Imagine, like, the biggest number in the world
Goes Well With: Staring into space and giggling
Name: Fat Shakespeare
Description: Designed for the well-read fast food connoisseur, this salubrious sandwich is inspired by the Shakespearean sonnet. No one gets this burger except English majors.
Ingredients: Four patties, four onions, four tomatoes, a couplet of cheese.
Calories: A fort-calorie.
Goes Well With: The smaller, more accessible Cliff’s Notes Burger.
Name: The Oeuvre
Description: “Waste not, want not, “ is the guiding principle behind this burger, which contains things that most homeless people would waste. Compiled from ingredients of every menu item In and Out has to offer, the Oeuvre is over 30 cubic feet of fixin’s served in a trash bag, with complementary trowel.
Calories: One hundred kabillion.
Goes Well With: Mayonnaise.
Name: Fries “Mineral” Style
Description: The fossilized remains of uneaten Upper Pleistocene fries, getting your fries done “Mineral” style requires 2.8 million years advanced notice and favorable sedimentary conditions.
Ingredients: Fries, the cold stroke of time unyielding.
Calories: 9 Kj when used as fuel for trains.
Goes Well With: 10,000 BC Merlot.