So You’re Going to Hell

Lead a life of debauchery?  Sinned against nature?  Rejected the legitimacy of your one/multiple true God/gods?  Use this handy reference to see just what you ought to expect.



What Your Hell is Like: Not as grandiose or visually striking as Vatican paintings imply.

Why You’re Here:  Did not purchase indulgence.

Company: Serial killers, rapists, sex ed teachers

Tormentor(s): Lee Harvey Oswald.

Way Out:  Knowing a guy.


What Your Hell is Like: Forcibly gay married to Richard Dawkins

Why You’re Here:  Too poor.

Company: People foolish enough to live before Christ

Tormentor(s): Creatures evolving just to spite you

Way Out: Besting Satan in Fiddle Hero


What Your Hell is Like: A searing pit where sinners and Shaitan alike suffer in flames that are 70 times hotter than those on Earth, away from the garden of delight that is Paradise

Why You’re Here: Disobeyed one of the five (if Sunni) or eight (if Shia) pillars of faith or performed the most grievous crime of hypocrisy by claiming to accept Allah and Mohammed but denouncing them in your heart

Company: Betrayers and usurers in a tiered system of punishment similar to – but distinct from – the Christian Dantean viewpoint

Tormentor(s): A horde of the most fiendish ifrits and djinns, nightmare creatures made of smokeless fire.

Way Out: Please don’t have our funding taken away


What Your Hell is Like: Forced to own massive amount of property

Why You’re Here: Misinterpreted vague poem about lotus flower or bee or whatever.

Company: Bully who picked on Buddha in 4th grade

Tormentor(s): Monks embarrassingly more serene than you

Way Out: Ask politely


What Your Hell is Like: Since you don’t believe in Hell, you’re actually stuck in the really shitty part of Heaven

Why You’re Here: You couldn’t have called ahead for reservations maybe?

Company: Those awful, noisy Pakowiczes next door, on my worst enemy’s dog I wouldn’t wish this kind of treatment.

Tormentors: Overbearing mothers.

Way Out: Go to med school, why don’t you.


What Your Hell is Like: Trapped in chasm, only allowed 4 sexual positions.

Why You’re Here: Reincarnated as another dead guy.

Company: Whatever the opposite of a cow is.

Tormentors: The studio that brought you The Love Guru.

Way Out: Die (again.)


What Your Hell is Like: Simultaneously receiving psychiatric care and not enough attention.

Why You’re Here: Insufficiently crazed proselytizing

Company: Ghost aliens. No, seriously. Ghost aliens.

Tormentors: L. Ron Hubbard laughing at you atop a boat made of money

Way Out: Give him more money