Dear Miss Methiquette,
No matter what I try, my common-law husband always takes more than his fair share of meth. He says that because he’s bigger, he requires more to get high, but according to our police records we both weigh around 80 pounds. I don’t want to lose this guy ( he’s a keeper!!) but I need my fix! What can I do?
Shortchanged in Schenectady
Dear Shortchanged,
If a loved one is being greedy, cordially remind him that when it comes to crystal in a community setting, fair distribution and moderation are top priority. If he persists, cutting his eye with a sharpened Venetian blind ought to remind him more effectively.
-Miss Methiquette
Dear Miss Methiquette,
What is the proper etiquette for furiously clawing at one’s forearms? I often find myself with the urge to dig out the poison from underneath my skin, but don’t know if it would be rude to do so while, say, screaming at everyone who walks through the BART station. Help!
-Abraded in Alameda
Dear Abraded,
Scratching one’s self in public should be avoided at all costs. If you absolutely must, do it in someplace private, like the bathroom of a Quizno’s or in the home of someone who forgot to lock their window.
-Miss Methiquette
Dear Miss Methiquette,
I’m usually a neat freak, but recently my hospice has become something of a pig-sty, mostly due hours on end spent frantically dismantling appliances and government spy equipment in the dark. Any tips for making the most of my cluttered squalor?
-Sloppy in Stockton
Dear Sloppy,
An organized home is a happy one. Set aside a workstation to take apart every broken cell phone, baby monitor, toaster, and mini-fridge that you find on the sidewalk.
-Miss Methiquette.
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Dear Miss Methiquette
How much does one tip for an Abe of crank? My friend and I have a gentleman’s wager.
-Vexed in Vallejo
Dear Vexed,
While tipping is always appreciated, it can sometimes be misinterpreted as flashy and nouveau-riche if you over-do it. Stick to oral.
-Miss Methiquette
Dear Miss Methiquette,
I just moved to a different city, and I’m looking to make a fresh start with a new dealer. How can I show my new friend and pusher that I am a collected, responsible client who won’t snitch?
-Restless in Riverside
Dear Restless,
It’s the little things that count. Keeping your fingernails neat and trim is a crucial part of daily hygiene and you should make time for cuticle upkeep every day. Also, remember to feed your baby.
-Miss Methiquette
Dear Miss Methiquette,
My in-laws are coming to visit, and I don’t want them to think me a rube. What goes well with ginger-glazed Mahi Mahi and organic spring greens?
-Frazzled in Fresno
Dear Frazzled,
Meth.
-Miss Methiquette
