Latest Issue
Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 7- Issue 2

Top Ten Things a Guy Could Say to Ruin His Chances for Sex

November 1, 1997
  1. “I gotta take the biggest shit right now.”
  2. “Do I pay you or the sorority?”
  3. “Yoshuaaaaa!”
  4. “Are those real?”
  5. “So tell me what you want, what you really, really want.”
  6. “Take off that red shirt!!!”
  7. “How do you define open sore?”
  8. “Can you ‘wring the towel dry?”
  9. “Don’t you write Sex on Tuesday?”
  10. “You’re better than your mother was.”
Volume 7- Issue 1

Volume 7, Issue 1: Chelsea Takes Bay Area

October 1, 1997

Features

Newsflashes

Top Tens

Volume 7- Issue 1

Top Ten Discoveries Made By the Mars Rover

October 1, 1997
  1. Intelligent life once existed in AAA.
  2. Next time we should probe Uranus.
  3. Oatmeal is not, in fact, the right thing to do, nor is it a tasty way to do it.
  4. Barry Kurtz has herpes. Yes, you, Barry.
  5. A Martian carcass can be saved for use as a tasty soup stock.
  6. Your own shit tastes good (Actually, that’s a discovery made by my dog, Rover).
  7. If you want to convince taxpayers that 271 million dollars isn’t a lot of money, you can keep telling them that it could have cost them 3 billion.
  8. The truth isn’t out there.
  9. Mars is more hospitable to human life than Casa Z.
  10. People really, really like to look at rocks.
Volume 7- Issue 1

Top Ten Ways to Piss Off a Telegraph Punk

October 1, 1997
  1. Offer him a job.
  2. Kick his dog in the face again.
  3. Give him a fat wad of old Mexican pesos.
  4. Make looking like a freak trendy.
  5. Rip out the safety pin from his nose and say,”not so safe, was it?”
  6. When purchasing ‘green bud,’ insist on a receipt for tax purposes.
  7. Repeatedly mutter “a proletariat-says-what?”
  8. Promise him food, and then proceed to donate one slice of Blondie’s Pizza.
  9. Make him scramble for a quarter, then kick his dog in the face.
  10. Blind the scoundrel with potpourri-scented pepper spray.
Volume 7- Issue 1

Top Ten Surprises Chancellor Berdahi Brought From Texas

October 1, 1997

  1. Lunatic with big ears wants to be ASUC President.

  2. “Homeless” replaced with “varmints.”

  3. New ropin’ team.
  4. Doe lawn now Doe beef ranch.
  5. New “Crispy Hair Studies” department.
  6. Sproul preachers make excellent rodeo announcers.
  7. The Pinto on blocks in front of the Chancellor’s house.
  8. Unit 5 Mobile Home Dorms.
  9. Instead of, “Go Bears!,” greets crowd with, “Well, SHEE-IT!”
  10. More Rib-B-Q.
Volume 7- Issue 1

Top Ten People You Don’t Want to Wake Up Next To

October 1, 1997

  1. An EECS major (unless you are an EECS major, in which case you shouldn’t be picky)

  2. Genghis Kahn

  3. Mike Tyson
  4. Your cellmate
  5. Mr. Blackstone, your third grade teacher
  6. Jimmy Hotfa
  7. A praying mantis, because it will bite off your head
  8. Spuds MacKenzie
  9. Richard Simmons
  10. Roseanne
Volume 7- Issue 1

Top Ten Other Things Given To China

October 1, 1997

  1. The ASUC store

  2. Your mom

  3. That Cal Democrat publication
  4. MSG
  5. Pennsylvania Ave. and a get out of jail free card
  6. Most Flavored Nation status
  7. Gonorrhea
  8. Speed 2
  9. A lovely Jeopardy!<sup>TM</sup> home game
  10. People’s Park
Volume 7- Issue 1

Top Ten Berkeley TV Shows

October 1, 1997

  1. Who’s the Chancellor?

  2. The Sigma Chi Files

  3. Walker: Night Safety Patrolman
  4. Unsolved Mysteries of Dwinelle
  5. Berdahl in Charge
  6. Men Behaving Badly, But Don’t Judge!
  7. Berkeley Hills, 90704
  8. The Futile Gourmet
  9. METERMAIDS: in Berkeley
  10. Just the Tien of Us