The Greek system – a continuation of the most basic and honorable ethics that were key in founding the western world. In the college setting, it helps structure young individuals into fine adults who will go on to become productive members of society. Each fraternity and sorority house exemplifies these traits in the most Samaritan and Greek of ways. But, as fate would have it, nothing is ever perfect. Even the most idealistic of people could not have expected all 38 houses on the Berkeley campus to carry the great Greek traditions heroically into the 21st century. Alas, there is one bad apple; one black sheep; one defective chromosome; there is one Sigma Phi Epsilon.
Strategically puzzling are their fire-alarm pulling pranks (in their own house).
Standing on the street corner, they invoke such a pity with their constant attempts to get anybody and their brother to enter their atmosphere-lacking parties.
Completely devoid of logic is their tendency to heckle passersby and then not expect the police to come (as they always do).
Frightfully reminiscent of Neanderthal is their tendency to stare down anybody who dares pass by their lair.
Signs do point to their possession of an iota of culture, though, as they arc often heard to yell coin movie phrases at 3:00 in the morning. Unfortunately, the only phrase they manage to yell correctly is “Freedom!” from the blockbuster hit Braveheart. This is nice, but is very much out of context. Instead of freeing their nation from years of oppression, we suspect that they are only clearing their anal passages from hours of constipation.
Unfortunately, we are limited by the constraints of a 16 page issue, and are unable to relate the full list of transgressions committed by this little band of homo-erotic pinheads. Instead, we offer this article as a public service announcement – a warning to innocent parties which might fall prey to such despicable antics. If you must venture past the boundaries of known civilization (east of Piedmont) please exercise sound judgment and take all precautions to ensure your safety. Thank you.