Some of our readership may have noticed that the Squelch does not look fondly upon the Greek system (The Squelch doesn’t look fondly upon a lot of other things either; DC food and Alex Weingarten come to mind- and incidentally both images make me want to vomit). As the only currently active member of a fraternity to be a regular contributor to the Squelch, I feel that the time has come for me to defend my brethren (and sistren) from the unyielding barrage of anti-Greek sentiment that emanates from this paper.
First of all, let us examine some of the stereotypes which my fellow Squelchers bandy about so cavalierly. The whole sex with barnyard animals controversy is completely overblown (pun shamelessly intended). Yes, fraternity brothers are required to, shall we say, become intimate with future mutton. But the sheep is always over eighteen and consents to everything, so I really do not see what the problem is. Furthermore, many of the sheep end up in relationships with the brothers. “I find it attractive that someone mindlessly follows me around for once. I also help him write his papers,” comments one quadrapedal participant in such a relationship.
Another issue that must be addressed is that whole thing about us being single-mindedly interested in consuming alcohol and getting laid. This is a complete and utter fabrication. Point: if we were so interested in consuming alcohol, would we vomit it all up as much as we do? I think not. I might mention that fraternity brothers are just as interested as any other college guy in finding an intelligent mate with a great personality. Of course, that’s just a diplomatic way of saying that all guys just want to screw until they can’t remember their own name. I think a brother of mine once put it best when he said, “Hey, man [belch], you don’t fuck their mind.” A future Socrates, if there ever was one.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that sorority girls are stuck up I would… well I’m not so good at math but let’s just say I could probably come up with the last payment on the wet bars we just installed in everybody’s rooms. Sorority girls aren’t stuck up. How could they be when they’re coked out of their minds twenty-four/seven?
The one that really bugs me the most is, “Oh, you Greeks are such elitists.” Let me tell you something: only a fucking idiot non-Greek would be stupid enough to believe something like that. I’m no elitist, but I do know where I stand with respect to other people. We have this chart at our house where we plot the social standing of all the different houses, based upon a rating system of one to fifty. We then use this rating to determine which houses we’d like to hang out with, and which house we’ll avoid. That’s not elitism, that’s pragmatism. You have to know what everyone thinks of other people, or else what will they think of you? We all strive to climb the ladder of success. That’s what this country is based on- it’s the American way. What are you, a fucking commie?
So, to sum it up, dissing fraternities is dissing America, and it’s okay to laugh at the jokes the Squelch tells, but you better not tell any jokes yourself or me and my brothers will beat the shit out of you like we did those guys that were hugging each other the other night. Fags.