Short Conversations

“Why do you know all the apes?”
“It’s what I do.”

“It’ll be real quick.”
“Oh, all right. I’ll bring a book.”

“Is it feti?”
“No, fetuses will be fine.”

“I fell in love last night at Davis.”
“Nah, that was probably just cow shit.”

“Will you support Campaign Finance Reform?”
“What answer can I give that’ll make you leave?”

“Hi, this is your lab partner, Dan.”
“I thought I told you not to call, you pervert.”

“Oh come on, at least stay for breakfast.”
“I don’t know. I really have to be going, Professor.”

“You want fish filet, burrito, or tofu stir fry?”
“I’m gonna fucking stab you with this butter knife.”

“I would never have a menage a trois with another guy. I wouldn’t want to see his penis.”
“You don’t see it if he’s behind you.”

“But I bet the guys in Sigma Phi don’t even read the Squelch.”
“That’s why we’ve included lots of pictures.”

“Nine inches isn’t big enough.”
“It would be if it was a pizza.”

“That’s enough my knees hurt.”

“I’m not hopeless, I’m dickless. No, wait – it’s the other way around.”