Three Berkeley professors and one janitorial staff have been convicted of mentioning the now defunct ex-princess of England’s name in public. A witness who wished to remain anonymous stated that professor A exclaimed, “You’d think D– was holier than Jehovah!”, to which Professor B responded, “Well, D– does have larger breasts.” Professor K interjected with “You sexist motherfucker.” Executive Sanitorial Officer F finished the conversation with, “I actually thought D– was kinda of cool.” Despite the fact that Professor K did not actually say her name, there is sufficient evidence to prove that he thought it at one point or another during the conversation, and that’s good enough.
The four criminals will be tied to South Gate and stoned to death by the various organizations who will happen to be present. The time of the stoning will remain confidential up until four minutes after the beginning of the stoning in order to ensure that people are thoroughly confused. The four criminal’s heads will be covered in or-A!der to protect their identities and the first two hundred people to actually notice a distinct lack in professors in their lectures will receive melatonin to assist them in regaining their normal lecture sleeping patterns.
The University has only recently decided to reinstitute stoning as a form of punishment. Said one Board member “Public stoning will stop people from thinking, as well as attract more chronic schizophrenics to Sproul.”