Mike Tyson

A Heuristic Squelch Interview

Heuristic Squelch: Thank you, Mr. Tyson, for generously agreeing to do this interview.

Mike Tyson: It’s a pleasure, Squelch.

MT: Are you hungry?

MT: Urn, no,

HS: Are you sure?

MT: Yeah, I’m sure. Why?

HS: Well, I just wouldn’t want you to, you know, get too hungry.

MT: I’m not going to bite you. That’s it isn’t it? You think I’m going to bite you.

HS: NO! I mean… No, no not at all. I just find that my interviewees are happier when they aren’t distracted by hunger.

MT: I’m not hungry.

HS: All right, then let’s get right to it. Tell us about how you got started in boxing.

MT: Well, when I was a young ma… Hey, why are you covering your ears like that?

HS: Hmm? Oh, no reason. Please go on, this sounds very interesting.

MT: Okay. When I was younger, I used to like to play around fighting with the other kids on my block. I just sort of naturally fell into boxing from that.

HS: Was your family struggling with money when you were a child?

MT: Well, yeah, I guess we didn’t always have as much as the other kids.

HS: Did you ever find yourself hungry enough to bite other children?

MT: No, I never bit the other children. What the hell kind of question is that?

HS: I’m just trying to get a picture of your childhood. Let’s talk about something else. Tell me about the women in your life.

MT: Well, you know, they come and they go. I still need to find that one special girl.

HS: I hope I’m not getting too personal, but when you’re in bed with a woman, do you like to nibble?

MT: What the hell do you mean?

HS: You know… tike on her ear?

MT: I’m getting mighty tired of these questions you son of a- Hey! Where did you get those earmuffs?

HS: What earmuffs?

MT: Those earmuffs! On your head!

HS: Oh these? Um, I get cold flashes. From the breast implants.

MT: You’re a man!

HS: I know. I have the lawsuit locked up.

MT: You’re lying.

HS: Do you bite liars?

MT: No.

HS: Fine. Then I’m lying… Owwww! You bit me! You said you don’t bite liars!

MT: I don’t. I bite assholes.

HS: Oh. Well, I guess that’s okay then.