My Life in the Movies

Lately, it’s become harder and harder for me to differentiate the real world from the fantasy world projected by movies. This is an account; a collection of memoirs, if you will, that shows this inseparable relationship between movies and my everyday life.

I once tried to kidnap my little brother. My parents discovered him in the laundry hamper, He was under a pair of dirty argyle socks. He was only a fetus so it was pretty hard to find him.

Ricky Valetto used to buy me and my friends dirty magazines from 7-Eleven. The women were naked, like Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls. But they had bruises and bigger breasts. But they were naked. When I was eight, I saw Peter Lillenberger’s mom naked. She asked me where she should get her new tattoo. I told her she’d look good with a Voltron riding the bald eagle on her back.

Jerry Maguire
Our gym teacher, Max Bubowski, looked kind of like Tom Cruise. Except he was a whole lot fatter, And bald. He liked to shower with us and tell us his penis was bigger than ours. My next door neighbor had a six-year old son who would scream and jump around a lot, like Cuba Gooding, Jr. He had to take his medication every four hours and I’d often see him eating grass or crying.

Mission Impossible
Tom Cruise was in this movie too. He would wear masks to trick people. My dad would do the same thing. Except he never wore masks. On my birthday, he said he was stepping out to buy some cake. When he came back, he didn’t have any cake. My mom asked him where the cake was. He said he bought crank instead and stomped upstairs. I could’ve sworn, he said cake.

I never realized that wind had such a vendetta against some people. It makes sense though. I was once trapped in a revolving door. I farted a little bit and was really nervous, hoping the security guard wouldn’t release me while the fart smell was still in the booth. Otherwise, everyone would’ve known I had farted. Luckily, I was stuck in there for another 20 minutes and by then, I had inhaled all the fart smell. I guess that’s about it. My life isn’t the most exciting thing since Tanya Harding’s wedding, but it ain’t that dull either.