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Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 7- Issue 4

Top Ten Overheard Lines on the All Dedication Station

February 1, 1998
  1. “Yo quiero Taco Bell.”
  2. “Can you hold on? There’s someone on the other line.”
  3. “Here’s a shout-out to all the 510 peeps who know that this shit gone down in the Eastside, bee-yotch. Hi mom.”
  4. “I just wanted someone to talk to…Hello?”
  5. “If you play ‘Where Have all the Cowboys Gone?’ one more time I’m going to send a pipe-bomb to your station.”
  6. “This goes out to all of my sex partners, who I wanted to tell that I have herpes.”
  7. “I hate my life. Play me a lullaby.”
  8. “This song is for Marcia. Baby, I’m sorry I got you pregnant and skipped town. Please forgive me. Can you send me money?”
  9. “Can you play that song? You know, that song, by that guy?”
  10. “Oh my god, I’m on the radio!!! Yes! Yes! Yes! Damn, my pants are wet.”
Volume 7- Issue 3

Letters to the Editors

January 1, 1998

Dear Squelch Staff,
I am outraged at the way you make fun of Chelsea Clinton based only her outward appearance. Just because she looks like an orangutan walking backwards doesn’t mean that you have to make fun of her. If you’re not careful you will soon give her a well deserved ugly complex. Chelsea has many wonderful things going for her: A) She’s the president’s daughter, B)…Well, I can’t think of B through E now, but I will get back to them. This ugly complex that she should have by now will lead to major problems in the future when she doesn’t have daddy getting her into Stanford or getting her a boyfriend. Which reminds me of B) she doesn’t go to Cal. Chelsea’s ugly complex will make her too afraid to do anything productive due to a fear of frightening little children, which will hopefully lead her to wear a paper bag over her head. So in closing, I would like to once again say shame on you for making fun of God’s little joke.

Sincerely,
Bill Clintony
(Name changed in fear of the Secret Service)

Dear Squelch,
In October’s issue, one of your staff disgorged his feelings on the state of men’s public rest rooms on campus. It will comfort him to know that the women’s public rest rooms are held to the same exaction of standards, if not the same standards. For his edification, appointments include:

  • floor confetti of T.P. from people who can’t use the dispensers
  • angry lesbian graffiti (always better, however, than dorm guy graffiti, which doesn’t involve a pen)
  • no soap and/or no paper towels and/or (the janitorial staff’s favorite) no locks on the doors
  • pee all over the seats due to those patrons afraid, not only of the number of deadly porcelain/skin transmitted diseases, but evidently equally afraid of the sanitary seat covers
  • standard issue sorority chick completing step 15 in application of lipstick
    Despite strict adherence to these standards, there is still room in Cal’s bathrooms for great diversity of fixtures, functionality, and regularity of cleaning. Viva la difference!

Sincerely,
Amanda Huginkiss

Dear Squelch,
I gave anal and oral sex to five Samoan men last night. Does this mean that I am gay?

-Ben S. Neely

Dear Squelch,
I am a sick man. I am, in fact, the most insane man I know. I am as loony as a monkey on a pontoon boat. I am so crazy that I make you guys look completely sane. If you don’t believe me just come take a look at me any day. After all, I don’t live underground. I preach everyday on Sproul Plaza. Maybe you have seen me; I am the preacher screaming at the top of my lungs with a carrot in one hand and an apple in the other.

I guess you are wondering, Why do I do my preaching with a carrot in one hand and an apple in the other? Well, I’ll tell you. I used to be an insane person just like all the other insane people, but then God spoke to me and told me that I should spread the Word. I still haven’t actually figured out what that word is, but I am getting some pretty good clues.

Yes, that’s right. God speaks through a carrot to me. When I look at all the other preachers with their bibles in hand, I just laugh. They spend all day quoting, but how can they know anything without a carrot or some other vegetable to give them wisdom. Maybe if I had read it, I would see what is going on with all this bible stuff.

When I wake up my carrot tells what the Lord wants me to preach for that day. Sometimes I get confused and forget where I am, but my carrot always straightens me out. Today, my carrot told me that I should preach about how God created everything in the universe. Originally, the Garden of Eden was a state of paradise, but then the fruit went bad. That has led us to today, when we face a new crisis.

My carrot has told me that everyone is an emotional wreck these days. The influence of heavy metal music and politicians that talk about the importance of gun control have confused our society. I know the way back to Eden, but my carrot has told me that now is not the time to reveal such knowledge.

When I first started preaching, I spoke in a normal tone of voice. At first, I thought that people were ignoring my message, but then I realized that they just couldn’t hear me. Now, I scream at the top of my lungs and I know that my message is getting to the people. Everyone who passes smiles because they know the value of my great message. I can see that the young people are listening most of all because when they hear my message they are sent into fits of laughter. I know how they feel, as the Word can be very overwhelming. I know that one day I will have taught everyone what I now know and the world will be a better place. I just hope there are enough carrots around for everyone.

I guess you wish you had as exciting a life as I do. The Lord works in mysterious ways, especially when it comes to midgets. What’s the deal with them? My carrot hasn’t given me all the answers, but I know a lot more than you do. Before I go I want to clear up one last question that you and your readers must have: What about the apple in my other hand? It’s my lunch. Even insane preachers need to eat!

Hallelujah,
Random Sproul Preacher Guy

Dear Squelch Editors,
Let’s say that I did choke and assault my coach, P.J. Carlissimo. If I did, it must have been because I loved him very much. This whole thing was a misunderstanding. During practice, Coach says, “Latrell, I wanna see better teamwork on our fast breaks.” But I was out of breath and sweat was in my ears. All I heard was, “Latrell, I want you to choke the shit out of me, come back 60 minutes later and attempt to cold-cock me.” So I basically lost my job for following orders. Just like Eichmann.

Latrell Sprewell
P.S. – You guys need a point guard?

Volume 7- Issue 3

UC Police Voluntarily Refrain From Pepper Spray

January 1, 1998

Two UCPD officers voluntarily refrained from using pepper spray while apprehending a shoplifting suspect last Friday. Citing recent public disapproval of the spray, which can cause a painful burning sensation in the eyes and throat, the officers opted to use their .38 caliber service revolvers to restrain the suspect until backup could arrive. “There was no need to use pepper spray in this confrontation. All it took was several bullets to the head, chest, back, and kneecaps to safely detain the suspect,” said UC Police Capt. Bill Cooper. Charges were later dropped against the suspect, who did not comment on the incident.

Volume 7- Issue 3

Pope Enters Twentieth Century

January 1, 1998

The pope recently admitted that evolution “may be more than just a hypothesis” in light of “fresh evidence.” This follows his recent admission of the Catholic Church’s error in condemning Galileo. Rumor amoung the College of Cardinals has it that his Holiness may also announce next week that “Red might be a color.”

Volume 7- Issue 3

A Phylogenic Analysis of Cheerios

January 1, 1998
,

I. Introduction

In recent years, biologists have been stunned by the explosive radiation of forms of the popular breakfast cereal, Cheerios. The sudden arrival of new varieties has offered strong support for a punctuated equilibrium model of breakfast cereal evolution. Cladistic analysis shows, however, that many previously accepted groups are, in fact, unnatural, and that many of the primitive forms have actually been mis-classified as derived groups. In this analysis, the Oatieo (Oatieosis tastelikecrapsis), generally accepted to be a more basal form, was used as the outgroup to the true Cheerio clade, the Cheeriotes. The Oatieo tends to have a coarser consistency than the more derived Cheerios, and its packaging tends toward a less complex version of the standard Cheerio box, It also, as its scientific nomenclature suggests, tastes like crap.

II. Findings

Here we will jump straight into the discussion of our findings, because no one cares about the methods section, and we made it all up anyway. One of the most provocative findings of this analysis has been the revelation of two polyphyletic taxons – namely, the so-called “Multi-Grain Cheerios,” and the “Team Cheerios” (a relatively recent discovery of cereal naturalists). The common oat form of cheerios (Cheeriosis cheeriosis), along with the corn (C. doritosis), rice (C. snapkracklepopsis), and wheat (C. notkosherforpassoveris) varieties, have historically been lumped together into one taxon, probably because they often share the same box. The “Multi-Grain Cheerios” is most likely a polyphyletic taxon, as the cladogram (See Fig. 1) clearly shows that the classic cheerio is a member of the Oatites, whereas the other members of the so-called “Multi-Grain” group are primitive members of the Cheeriotes. It is difficult, however to resolve the relationships between the more primitive of the Cheeriotes, due to their restricted availability for research. In the case of “Team Cheerios,” the corn and frosted (C. they’regrrrrrrrreatsis) varieties seem to be grouped with the exceedingly rare “brown-sugar” cheerio (C. rollingstonesis). For both of these unnatural groupings, the reason for different varieties sharing the same box is unclear, but there is some evidence to suggest that human encroachment into the Cheeriotes” habitat has forced some species into closer quarters. Another one our major findings is the true relationship of the Apple Jack (Jasksis Applensis). Many have suggested that it is closely related to the Apple Cinnamon Cheerio (C. Applensis), and that the two may even enjoy some kind of ancestral relationship with one another. We see here that this is not the case. The similarities between Apple Jacks and Apple-Cinnamon Cheerios are a cut and dried case of convergence. Both cereals have adapted to fill a specific niche in the breakfast cereal market, and have thus acquired many superficial similarities.

III. Conclusion

This is the end.

Volume 7- Issue 2

Volume 7, Issue 2: Dame Gay

November 1, 1997

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