So I hear a bunch of you cheapshits refuse to shell out the dough to see the Big Game this year. Maybe you don’t want to watch huge fleshy men in spandex pile on top of each other. No one said you had to watch the Stanford cheerleaders the entire time. But since you’ve decided not to go, I, the Heuristic Squelch’s resident psychic, have compiled what will be the highlights from the Big Game. “Psychic highlights?” you ask? Well, this ain’t the Daily Cal, Chester, but it’s probably a lot more accurate.
Pre-Game festivities will have spirits high, as the Mic-Man promises everyone that he won’t speak.
Berkeley will benefit on the first drive of the game from a twenty-yard penalty against Stanford, when a Stanford linebacker is found dry-humping receiver Bobby Shaw on the bottom of a dogpile. “He looked just like my girlfriend here, except better with the helmet on,” he’ll apologize afterwards.
The Cardinal shall be penalized for holding during a critical play. One irate Stanford cheerleader will be forcibly removed from the stadium after throwing her jockstrap at the referee.
In order to show school spirit, members of the sorority Kappa Kappa Gamma pledge to give free blowjobs to any fans wearing blue or gold during halftime. “We’re really out here to show our appreciation for the Bears!” gushes one enthusiastic girl. “Plus, we really like to give blowjobs,” confides another.
The Stanford Band will play splendidly during halftime, despite the loss of their key kazoo player to the flu.
The Cal Band will make a touching tribute to Berkeley’s mascot, forming the word “OSKI” on the field. They will perform such songs as Elvis Presley’s “Teddy Bear”, “Winnie the Pooh”, and “Hey, You Look Just Like A Constipated Old Man.”
Berkeley’s Tank Smith will score the lone touchdown for the Bears on a lucky break, when the entire Stanford defensive line drops dead of massive brain embolisms.
A Cal linebacker will be suspended from the game for tackling a Stanford cheerleader on the sideline, apparently mistaking her for a “really fuckin’ big player. Man, all I saw was that gigantic red ass in red spandex, so I just went for it.”