Berkeley has a well deserved reputation for being a city of lunatics. Hell, Telegraph is one of the only streets in the world where you can see two naked women performing an impromptu didgeridoo concert. While I’ll admit that there are a lot of people walking the streets of Berkeley that are loonier than a monkey in a pontoon boat, the real crazies of Berkeley can be found in the classroom. That guy sitting next to you gnawing on his wrist just got five points higher than you on the last midterm. What follows is a brief discussion of some of the psychological anomalies that I noticed when I should have been paying attention in class.

Let’s call my first subject the Sniffer. The Sniffer would be completely normal if it wasn’t for the fact that she compulsively sniffs her fingertips for the entire lecture we share. The Sniffer will rub her fingertips on her face or behind her ears and then intensely sniff them as though she has discovered some hidden treasure. Although I have no proof of this, I am pretty sure that her skin produces a rare spice that gives her incredible mental abilities when inhaled. Unfortunately, the Sniffer has noticed my observations. Lately she has been deliberately sitting out of my sight during class.

Our other maniac has decided that the class’s desk reserved for handicap students is his personal space. He rules over his territory like a silver-back gorilla. He sits elevated above the rest of the class and everything is calm unless his area is breached. One day he arrived late to class and saw that someone had invaded his territory. After bearing his teeth and beating his chest, he proceeded to crush her skull and eat her pancreas. She was never seen again (or I just can’t remember what she looks like). I suspect that as the semester continues, he will continue to make the handicap area his own by adding a refrigerator and taking his pick of the class’s females.

By now you are probably asking yourself, why aren’t more midgets getting lead roles in action movies? You are probably also wondering why I have the right to say that any of these people are crazy. Hell, I’ve never even taken a Psych class. I’m not normal enough to judge anybody else, but at least I know who to steer clear of.

Some other wack-jobs you might want to look out for in your classes are Smelly Potato Man, Gus the Glowing Guy, Sideways Dave, Lucy with a Lumpy Face, and anyone in a science class (especially my roommates). If you have any concerns or comments regarding my diagnoses, I am the guy in your class wearing the Aquaman costume doing my best Billie Holiday impression.