Doctor Klaus “White Knuckles” Dusseldorf shocked the world Monday when he emerged from his lab deep in the Swiss Alps with a potentially groundbreaking discovery: he claims to have re-invented the wheel. Looking haggard but confident outside of his laboratory, in front of a large gathering of the press, Dusseldorf proclaimed, “I have done what people have been sadly reluctant to do since the wheel was first invented 5000 years ago in Mesopotamia. I have re-designed it from the ground up, and the result is very exciting.” According to Dusseldorf, wheel design technology has advanced considerably in the past five millennia, but strong vested interests in the international wheel lobby have stifled innovation. “I’ve received death threats,” he said. “Apparently, someone is making a lot of money on the current wheel and doesn’t appreciate my efforts.” Asked to describe his new wheel design, Dusseldorf was less forthcoming. “It’s not completely unlike a mobius-strip, but then again, if you said ‘Wow! That thing looks like Medusa’s head fucked a Fender Stratocaster,’ I wouldn’t think you were completely nuts either.”