Southside Resident “Probably” Assaulted

A UC Berkeley student was “probably assaulted” last week while walking home to his or her Southside residence, Berkeley police told reporters today. Officers said the victim most likely described the suspect in a vague and unhelpful way, and stated that there is virtually no chance that the suspect will be caught, assuming there is a suspect.

According to the police report which has almost certainly been filed, the victim was walking in a place frighteningly near where you live, at a surprisingly early time of night that you’d think would be safe, when the suspect appeared, probably brandishing a pretty scary weapon of some sort. At this point, the suspect no doubt assaulted the victim and demanded something desirable, presumably money.

I haven’t really looked at any reports yet,” explained Berkeley police captain Bobby Miller, “But I think that’s a pretty safe bet, don’t you?”