Latest Issue
Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 10- Issue 2

Top Ten Things Found On The Ocean Floor

October 1, 2000
  1. Every ship ever captained by a woman
  2. Wallet-sized photos of Russian sweethearts
  3. Gadgets and gizmos aplenty
  4. Pyroxene-olivine basalt
  5. Shore-to-shore carpeting
  6. Whales <STRIKE>fucking</STRIKE> making love
  7. Geodesic domes with sustainable breathing environment
  8. 4 million Razor scooters (10 years from now)
  9. Childern’s letters to God
  10. JFK, Jr.
Volume 10- Issue 2

Top Ten Inner-City Software Products

October 1, 2000
  1. Real Playa
  2. Oregon Trail for the Apple IIe
  3. Microsoft Word Up
  4. Lowered Netscape Navigator with Chrome Rims and 12” Lift
  5. Microsoft Out – Look – Out Datrell It’s tha Po-Po
  6. Corel Werd Perfikt
  7. Etch-a-Sketch
  8. Macromedia Dreams – ruined – by – Prop – 22 – weaver
  9. Microsoft Excel at Sports and Maybe I Can Get Out of Here
  10. Adobe Photoshoplifter
Volume 10- Issue 1

Volume 10, Issue 1: The Boys of E.E.C.S.

September 1, 2000
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Features

Newsflashes

Top Tens

Volume 10- Issue 1

Top Ten Reasons Your Penis Hang to the Left

September 1, 2000
  1. They can’t both hang right
  2. Futile attempt to point out your
    shoe lace is untied
  3. Your tendency to use it has a kick
    stand while lying down
  4. It’s signaling to change lanes
  5. The right-hand rule
  6. Sympathy for lumpen proletariat
  7. Signals preference for counter-clockwise
    circle jerk
  8. Larger and more domineering
    right testicle
  9. Lunar gravitational pull
  10. Your girlfriend’s vagina hangs
    right
Volume 10- Issue 1

Top Ten Reasons Your Penis Hangs to the Left

September 1, 2000
  1. They can’t _ both _ hang right
  2. Futile attempt to point out that your shoelace is untied
  3. Your tendency to use it as a kickstand while lying down
  4. It’s signaling to change lanes
  5. The right-hand rule
  6. Sympathy for lumpen proletariat
  7. Signals preference for counter-clockwise circle jerk
  8. Larger and more domineering right testicle
  9. Lunar gravitational pull
  10. Your girlfriend’s vagina hangs right
Volume 10- Issue 1

Top Ten Other Reasons To Pour Some Sugar On Me

September 1, 2000
  1. It dulls the pain of cutting off your
    own arm
  2. Because I’m D.C. food and I taste
    like fucking shit
  3. Molasses isn’t of the maximum
    radicalness
  4. It isn’t really “sugar”, it’s co-caine…
    and you aren’t “pouring”
    it “on me” , you’re siphoning into my nostril
  5. I am diabetic (and you are evil)
  6. My given name is Ray Leonard
  7. Instead of C&H you accidentally
    purchased the coarsely granu-lated,
    frankly inferior sugar Central Mexico, and you have do something with it
  8. You can’t pour Sweet and Low
    “in the name of love”
  9. I just happen to be inside the gas
    tank of a car of someone you hate
  10. I am made of normal water, and
    aspire to become delicious sugar
    water