The Daily Californian took a shit on sophomore Davey Tenitt yesterday afternoon around 4:30. Though the paper has been metaphorically crapping on students for many years this abrupt shift to literal defacation left bystanders stunned. The victim was unable to comment except for, “Oh, pooey.”
According to witnesses, as an unsuspecting Tenitt picked up the paper and began reading Ryan Sim’s worthless column on eco-shame, the Daily Cal droppped its kilt, awkwardly squatted, and laid a steaming dump onto Tenitt’s apparently new No Fear TM t-shirt. The power from the blast of feces reportedly knocked him backwards about 6 feet where he fell over a bench and ended up, according to witnesses, “on his ass in a giant heap of shit.”
When asked about her surprise bowel movement, Daily Cal responded, “I’ve been constipated for years, holding all this shit inside me day after day after day. Eventually, it had to come out.” The ass-marinated T-shirt commented, “If yer not living on the edge 2 tha’ extreme, then go home and snuggle with mommy.”
