Dozen Doesn’t Do It

Every day, millions of donut shops, flower boutiques and other purveyors of goods sold in multiples of twelve are plagued with a crippling linguistic inefficiency, tacking on countless wasted seconds to daily transactions. This squandering of time and energy is rooted in America’s misguided use of the word “dozen” in place of “twelve.” Not only does this foolhardy verbal foible decrease the productivity of our commercial free enterprise system, but this very same problem is slowly but surely turning Americans into Japanese.

The Donut Shop will serve as a suitable microcosm for an illustration of the Dozen Problem in all its sinister glory. When a person asks for “a dozen donuts” instead of “twelve donuts,” he adds two useless syllables to his request. Even worse, whe the order is “half a dozen donuts,” three whole superfluous syllables appear when compared to the more desirable “six donuts.” “A dozen and a half” further exacerbates the problem, adding four extra syllables to “eighteen donuts.” And so on. If people would just use plain numbers instead of these ridiculous verbal acrobatics, donut shops would get through a bloody great deal more customers, make more money, and increase the gross national product by a considerable amount.

What does all this have to do with the Japanese? To answer this, let’s deconstruct the word dozen.” “Dozen” is actually “Do Zen,” as in Zen Buddhism, a barbarian religion of the infidel Japanese. Thus every time unsuspecting Americans spout the word “dozen” at each other, they are subliminally prostelytizing against the true religion of the One God Jesus Christ by telling people to “Do Zen.” Blasphemy! This subconsciously implanted desire to be Japanese is reinforced by the very products to which the word “dozen” is attached: the unavoidably toroidal donuts serve as everpresent reminders of our tragically round eyes.

Still not convinced? Answer me this. Christianity, the White Man’s religion, offers several opportunities for the word “dozen” to infiltrate it, and yet the word never has. When has anyone spoken of the “Dozen Apostles,” the “Dozen Days of Christmas,” the “Half a Dozen Days it took God to create the Earth,” or the “Half a Dozen Plus One Deadly Sins”? Never! Our God has remained vigilant against the sinister implications of “dozen,” and with good reason. Consider this: if we take the most conspicuous letter in the word “dozen,” that being the letter z, and divide its numerical equivalent, that being 26, in half, we get 13. Replacing z with the 13th letter, that being m, we get “domen,” which is an obvious anagram of “demon,” as in the satanic agents of evil and the Yellow Demons who are dedicated to subverting our Americanness with their damn fool religion and shoddy animation.

Now that I’m sure to have convinced you all, I’ll offer you a solution to the Dozen Problem that doesn’t involve nuclear bombs. Instead of saying “dozen,” simply say “twelve.” And instead of saying “dozens,” say “scores.” “Score” is of the same order of magnitude as “dozen,” and it’s also used in the Bible. Be not Japanese, my pink-skinned round-eyed brothers, and I think we can do without the Hindu as well.